I found this to be very original and creative, given the age of the author and nature of the assignment (a short story!). Short stories, in my opinion, are one of the most difficult pieces of writing to produce, especially fiction. This is probably why we found it a little hard to follow characters and settings at times. It honestly took me a couple of times to re-read it and understand the plot (like who was where, when).
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Definite Potential
After reading "Jeremy's" story, it is hard not to be consumed with all of his grammatical errors throughout his paper. When I first read his paper, that is all I could focus on. Switching tenses, quotation misuses, and spelling are just a couple that jumped out right away. As I reread his paper, however, I realized that this story definitely had great potential to be a perfect scary story.
I was certainly surprised by Jeremy's descriptive details that weaved in and out of the paper. "Their bodies were trembling and hearts thumped" is a perfect example of how Jeremy doesn't tell, but he shows how his characters were scared. People in my writing workshop class today in college, have trouble with this concept yet Jeremy hits it right on the ball. What I did not like, however, was that Jeremy simply ended the story with it being all a dream. Not only is this ridiculously cliche, but it leaves the reader feeling somewhat cheated. I think that his ending definitely needs to be worked on; it's obvious Jeremy is very imaginative and he should not just stop with a dream.
In a conference with Jeremy, I would not go over every grammatical error I spotted in his paper. I think this will scare him off from writing because he will feel overwhelmed. I will focus on the overall plot of his scary story. After complimenting him on his great descriptive sentences, I will tell him about two major rules when writing stories: Don't ever end a story in a dream and don't start a story with someone waking up. I will ask him how he feels when he sees a great movie but the ending just wasn't up to par, and then relate this with his story. Emphasizing how he should use his showing and imaginative skills to create another ending I think will result in a great second draft to this story. Another major issue I would mention would be how he dramatically switches tenses from past to present on the third page. I will have him read aloud the part that actually switches tenses, and this will make him realize himself how this does not flow with the story. The second draft will be the draft where we work on technical issues.
I was certainly surprised by Jeremy's descriptive details that weaved in and out of the paper. "Their bodies were trembling and hearts thumped" is a perfect example of how Jeremy doesn't tell, but he shows how his characters were scared. People in my writing workshop class today in college, have trouble with this concept yet Jeremy hits it right on the ball. What I did not like, however, was that Jeremy simply ended the story with it being all a dream. Not only is this ridiculously cliche, but it leaves the reader feeling somewhat cheated. I think that his ending definitely needs to be worked on; it's obvious Jeremy is very imaginative and he should not just stop with a dream.
In a conference with Jeremy, I would not go over every grammatical error I spotted in his paper. I think this will scare him off from writing because he will feel overwhelmed. I will focus on the overall plot of his scary story. After complimenting him on his great descriptive sentences, I will tell him about two major rules when writing stories: Don't ever end a story in a dream and don't start a story with someone waking up. I will ask him how he feels when he sees a great movie but the ending just wasn't up to par, and then relate this with his story. Emphasizing how he should use his showing and imaginative skills to create another ending I think will result in a great second draft to this story. Another major issue I would mention would be how he dramatically switches tenses from past to present on the third page. I will have him read aloud the part that actually switches tenses, and this will make him realize himself how this does not flow with the story. The second draft will be the draft where we work on technical issues.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Goth Story
As I was reading this short story, I could not help but feel that a middle school student wrote the material. The essay was creative like a high school student’s writing, but a bit juvenile like a middle schooler. I suppose it is difficult to explain. I guess I see this as more or less a first draft. The student could have taken the story much farther.
Some questions I could think to ask “Jeremy” would be where exactly did the story take place? Add some more setting information… was it a frosty night… etc
Also, have other people gone to that hospital before? Did a friend go and never come back, etc.
Or did someone grab Lisa and take her away or did she just float to the sky?
This would be a great essay to read around Halloween. It would get students in the mindset of writing a “creepy tale.” Change the genre or topic a bit from the norm, sparks the attention of students. They will be more interested in the assignment instead of just completing it for a grade.
Going through the essay I found very little grammatical and spelling errors. This is generally something I look for right off the bat, whether I comment on them or not. As far as content, Jeremy laid out the story well. I feel that more detail will really add to it though. Just adding a few extra descriptive words would make it even spookier. Stepping out of the typical narrative like this really showed courage. A large amount of young writers are afraid to write this way. They worry they will sound silly.
If I was meeting with Jeremy about the paper I would tell him right off the bat he did a great job. The story kept me interested. I did not once put the text down and pause. The use of dreams made it more exciting and unique. I would then talk to him about the few picky things, such as writing zero instead of 0. Maybe he would keep that though… it is his creative short story—not mine. I would not critique his essay a whole lot because it is just as I previously stated HIS NOT MINE! The most I would do is encourage more details. I would accomplish this task by asking questions. Why? When? Who? Etc.
This short story has the potential to be great! It just needs a little more attention and maybe another draft or two. Jeremy is most certainly on the right track.
Some questions I could think to ask “Jeremy” would be where exactly did the story take place? Add some more setting information… was it a frosty night… etc
Also, have other people gone to that hospital before? Did a friend go and never come back, etc.
Or did someone grab Lisa and take her away or did she just float to the sky?
This would be a great essay to read around Halloween. It would get students in the mindset of writing a “creepy tale.” Change the genre or topic a bit from the norm, sparks the attention of students. They will be more interested in the assignment instead of just completing it for a grade.
Going through the essay I found very little grammatical and spelling errors. This is generally something I look for right off the bat, whether I comment on them or not. As far as content, Jeremy laid out the story well. I feel that more detail will really add to it though. Just adding a few extra descriptive words would make it even spookier. Stepping out of the typical narrative like this really showed courage. A large amount of young writers are afraid to write this way. They worry they will sound silly.
If I was meeting with Jeremy about the paper I would tell him right off the bat he did a great job. The story kept me interested. I did not once put the text down and pause. The use of dreams made it more exciting and unique. I would then talk to him about the few picky things, such as writing zero instead of 0. Maybe he would keep that though… it is his creative short story—not mine. I would not critique his essay a whole lot because it is just as I previously stated HIS NOT MINE! The most I would do is encourage more details. I would accomplish this task by asking questions. Why? When? Who? Etc.
This short story has the potential to be great! It just needs a little more attention and maybe another draft or two. Jeremy is most certainly on the right track.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Ooooooh....OOOOOOHH!!! (I'm a ghost. Get it?)
For the most part, I was very impressed with the writer's creativity in his scary story. Horror seems to me to be one of the more difficult genres to successfully produce. I wonder though, if this was a draft that was circulated, or a final essay, or maybe even just a free-writing exercise--which opened my eyes to how hard it is to label writing into categories of publication-readiness without having taught the class and worked with the students themselves.
Something that bothered me about the story is the lack of sentence variety. My personal preference with most stories or more informal formats is that the story flows like a conversation. The narrator, to me, is the speaker and thus should sound like a speaker. I felt like the writer was making an effort to structure sentences while he or she wrote. I would encourage the student to instead let the ideas flow out onto the page. The student should work on their own personal voice, and not worry about the structure of the sentence so much. I would prefer to see run-ons and sentence fragments if it was how my student would actually tell a story!
I think the plot of this story is actually very original. What I mean is, I've never read or seen anything like it (although I'll admit I actively avoid the whole horror brand). I would try to be the like Strong's Coach on this one; the student should be cheered on to stick with this story--because it's great!
While I was browsing my colleagues' posts, I saw mention of the author maybe being an ELL student. If that is the case, then this student should be praised! I'm curious then if this story is based off of a culturally-based story or legend. If so, I think that would be a fun lead-in for an in-class discussion (provided the featured student was willing to discuss his story with the class, of course).
Something that bothered me about the story is the lack of sentence variety. My personal preference with most stories or more informal formats is that the story flows like a conversation. The narrator, to me, is the speaker and thus should sound like a speaker. I felt like the writer was making an effort to structure sentences while he or she wrote. I would encourage the student to instead let the ideas flow out onto the page. The student should work on their own personal voice, and not worry about the structure of the sentence so much. I would prefer to see run-ons and sentence fragments if it was how my student would actually tell a story!
I think the plot of this story is actually very original. What I mean is, I've never read or seen anything like it (although I'll admit I actively avoid the whole horror brand). I would try to be the like Strong's Coach on this one; the student should be cheered on to stick with this story--because it's great!
While I was browsing my colleagues' posts, I saw mention of the author maybe being an ELL student. If that is the case, then this student should be praised! I'm curious then if this story is based off of a culturally-based story or legend. If so, I think that would be a fun lead-in for an in-class discussion (provided the featured student was willing to discuss his story with the class, of course).
Spook-tacular Tale: Writing Conference
Jeremy’s paper is very well written. He is clearly an accomplished student and has had good writing instruction. He has an imagination like no other. The Gothic tale is classic for haunted stories, but his eloquent language gives way to a true writer. It is obvious that his imagination is
When reading this for the first time on Monday, I was unsure of what level Jeremy was at. I was also unsure if this was a first draft or where he was in the drafting/revision process. He was not consistent with his errors, he might have used the correct tense in one sentence and than use a different tense in the next. This made me question if he was unsure of the rule associated with the tense or if he was just being lazy/ writing in his register.
I really enjoyed how he used a lot of alliteration and imagery though out the piece. I could see the story unfolding before my eyes.
If I were to conference this piece with Jeremy I would suggest three things. First, I would have him look at the events in the story and see if he though that the story was in chronological order. Does the plot make sense? Is there a rising action, climax, and falling action? Is the story to long and drawn out? Second, I would ask him, how can you make this story more realistic? What parts seem to be a little far fetched? Third, I would ask him about his audience. Who is his target audience, and what is his purpose in writing to this audience?
With these three suggestions I would finish the conference by having him tell me what he particularly liked about the piece and what he thinks he can improve upon.
After he specfically points out 1 postive and 1 negative part, I would ask him if he had any questions for me as his reader. Maybe I did not cover a point in his paper that he though was particuallary important to him, like how he has three endings. This could have a signaticant meaning, but as the reader I am unsure.
Over all, I would have him contiune to edit this piece until it was publishable.
When reading this for the first time on Monday, I was unsure of what level Jeremy was at. I was also unsure if this was a first draft or where he was in the drafting/revision process. He was not consistent with his errors, he might have used the correct tense in one sentence and than use a different tense in the next. This made me question if he was unsure of the rule associated with the tense or if he was just being lazy/ writing in his register.
I really enjoyed how he used a lot of alliteration and imagery though out the piece. I could see the story unfolding before my eyes.
If I were to conference this piece with Jeremy I would suggest three things. First, I would have him look at the events in the story and see if he though that the story was in chronological order. Does the plot make sense? Is there a rising action, climax, and falling action? Is the story to long and drawn out? Second, I would ask him, how can you make this story more realistic? What parts seem to be a little far fetched? Third, I would ask him about his audience. Who is his target audience, and what is his purpose in writing to this audience?
With these three suggestions I would finish the conference by having him tell me what he particularly liked about the piece and what he thinks he can improve upon.
After he specfically points out 1 postive and 1 negative part, I would ask him if he had any questions for me as his reader. Maybe I did not cover a point in his paper that he though was particuallary important to him, like how he has three endings. This could have a signaticant meaning, but as the reader I am unsure.
Over all, I would have him contiune to edit this piece until it was publishable.
Gothic Responses... Muah ha ha...
First foremost, I give the author credit for "putting himself out there" to be judged. Even if this paper was absolute garbage, I would still have to praise him for at least trying to write something creative. Tonight, I was dragged (against my will) to go see 30 Days of Night, starring hunky Josh Hartnett. On the ride home, as I thought about how bad the movie was, I realized that whoever wrote it probably started out just like our author (whom I believe we are calling Jeremy). Well, let me say this: if the writer of 30 Days of Night could sell a story about vampires in Alaska to Hollywood, there's hope for our young lad!
I really liked the way that Jeremy incorporated the local/old Sunny Land Hospital into the story, giving it a "little touch of hometown flair." This is something, when if properly-developed, that is used by many writers when they go to research areas where their story takes place.
Aside from the (many) grammatical errors, Jeremy does a good job of telling a story. He even begins to show elements of character development when he writes "The oldest of the three, a 14 year old boy named David..." Though his dialog could use a lot of work, I felt like I knew who his characters were throughout the entire story.
I really liked the way that Jeremy incorporated the local/old Sunny Land Hospital into the story, giving it a "little touch of hometown flair." This is something, when if properly-developed, that is used by many writers when they go to research areas where their story takes place.
Aside from the (many) grammatical errors, Jeremy does a good job of telling a story. He even begins to show elements of character development when he writes "The oldest of the three, a 14 year old boy named David..." Though his dialog could use a lot of work, I felt like I knew who his characters were throughout the entire story.
Perfect Timing Jeremy!
Just in time for the Halloween festivities, our anonymous student writer has crafted a tale of detailed horror and sheer lack of proofreading. During my second reading of the paper, I tried to determine how I would address "Jeremy" if I were to have an FSUS type student conference with him. First off, I would have him read his work out loud to me. I think many of the grammatical errors could be solved if he took the time to reread what he had written. Also, his reading would refresh my mind on what I wanted to address with him. Next, I would tell him that he is a strong writer, and its true. He included many literary techniques that make his paper sparkle, he has alliteration, "pulled her pigtail and pleaded," foreshadowing and great word choice. Not to mention his post-modernistic defiance of the point of view conventions. He changes several times between third person omnipotent and first person. Honestly, I think that if he curtailed some personal pronouns and made his language clearer, this technique could work.
After complementing Jeremy, we would then begin to discuss some structural issues. I would really like him to find his grammatical equivocations so that I do not give off the vibe of tearing his paper apart. Another aspect that I considered while reading his paper is that Jeremy could possibly be an ELL student. Some passages seem like he took a thesaurus and changed words without being aware of the meaning, "people say we resemble" (3). Therefore, I think Jeremy needs a great amount of congratulations and encouragement for writing in a non-native language.
All in all, for our anonymous ELL student, I think this paper has potential. In the final minutes of the conference, I would encourage Jeremy to continue polishing his paper. As we all know, "writing is never finished, just abandoned."
After complementing Jeremy, we would then begin to discuss some structural issues. I would really like him to find his grammatical equivocations so that I do not give off the vibe of tearing his paper apart. Another aspect that I considered while reading his paper is that Jeremy could possibly be an ELL student. Some passages seem like he took a thesaurus and changed words without being aware of the meaning, "people say we resemble" (3). Therefore, I think Jeremy needs a great amount of congratulations and encouragement for writing in a non-native language.
All in all, for our anonymous ELL student, I think this paper has potential. In the final minutes of the conference, I would encourage Jeremy to continue polishing his paper. As we all know, "writing is never finished, just abandoned."
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But once I finally got into the story, I found it pretty interesting, and surprisingly not uber-cheesy. I think our little Jeremy actually had fun writing this saga for us, and put a lot of creativity and thought into it. I also think it took a lot of guts. I saw good characterization, some nice imagery in certain places, and a few especially delightful sentences that seemed to jump off the page, like “The winds were starting to talk to them, telling them to go in. Jeremy took off his warm jack to give to [his] little sister because her lips were white and her past bright rosy skin had fallen pale.” Even though the wording may seem a little rough, his daring attempts to grab the reader’s attention with such description deserve some recognition. I also loved the alliteration in the phrase “Flushed with fear,” whether it was intentional or not. And can I say that the “SWOOP”s just made me laugh.
However, beginning too many sentences with “the” and not enough variation in sentence structure (lack of transitions) distracted from the overall “flow” of the paper and from making it an easy read. As the reader, I found myself pausing frequently to try to follow what Jeremy was saying. Not to mention, the endless grammar errors (repeatedly using “unto” instead of “into”), lack of commas, or poor word choice.
If I were to sit down and talk about this piece with Jeremy, I would definitely applaud his boldness, effort, and talent to create such an original plot. I especially like how was able to re-create the first scene at the end of the story without seeming repetitive. It was just enough detail to look familiar, and yet remain ironic and somewhat humorous. A few pointers I would give him to give the paper a little more flow and organization (even though there are signs of his attempt to already do so), would be to separate his paragraphs more often, and more intentionally. I would also indicate the several places I noticed pronouns that did not clearly point to their objects. He should also be instructed more carefully how to open and close quotes in a sentence (i.e. always capitalize the first word, and punctuate as you would in a normal sentence). But I would also tell him to keep his head up, because he shows a lot of promise as a writer. His idea was creative and fun; he is just a prime example of a student’s freedom to create that can easily become inhibited or trapped by the mechanics of grammar, if the teacher is not patient and encouraging enough to look beyond it.