As I was reading this short story, I could not help but feel that a middle school student wrote the material. The essay was creative like a high school student’s writing, but a bit juvenile like a middle schooler. I suppose it is difficult to explain. I guess I see this as more or less a first draft. The student could have taken the story much farther.
Some questions I could think to ask “Jeremy” would be where exactly did the story take place? Add some more setting information… was it a frosty night… etc
Also, have other people gone to that hospital before? Did a friend go and never come back, etc.
Or did someone grab Lisa and take her away or did she just float to the sky?
This would be a great essay to read around Halloween. It would get students in the mindset of writing a “creepy tale.” Change the genre or topic a bit from the norm, sparks the attention of students. They will be more interested in the assignment instead of just completing it for a grade.
Going through the essay I found very little grammatical and spelling errors. This is generally something I look for right off the bat, whether I comment on them or not. As far as content, Jeremy laid out the story well. I feel that more detail will really add to it though. Just adding a few extra descriptive words would make it even spookier. Stepping out of the typical narrative like this really showed courage. A large amount of young writers are afraid to write this way. They worry they will sound silly.
If I was meeting with Jeremy about the paper I would tell him right off the bat he did a great job. The story kept me interested. I did not once put the text down and pause. The use of dreams made it more exciting and unique. I would then talk to him about the few picky things, such as writing zero instead of 0. Maybe he would keep that though… it is his creative short story—not mine. I would not critique his essay a whole lot because it is just as I previously stated HIS NOT MINE! The most I would do is encourage more details. I would accomplish this task by asking questions. Why? When? Who? Etc.
This short story has the potential to be great! It just needs a little more attention and maybe another draft or two. Jeremy is most certainly on the right track.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Ooooooh....OOOOOOHH!!! (I'm a ghost. Get it?)
For the most part, I was very impressed with the writer's creativity in his scary story. Horror seems to me to be one of the more difficult genres to successfully produce. I wonder though, if this was a draft that was circulated, or a final essay, or maybe even just a free-writing exercise--which opened my eyes to how hard it is to label writing into categories of publication-readiness without having taught the class and worked with the students themselves.
Something that bothered me about the story is the lack of sentence variety. My personal preference with most stories or more informal formats is that the story flows like a conversation. The narrator, to me, is the speaker and thus should sound like a speaker. I felt like the writer was making an effort to structure sentences while he or she wrote. I would encourage the student to instead let the ideas flow out onto the page. The student should work on their own personal voice, and not worry about the structure of the sentence so much. I would prefer to see run-ons and sentence fragments if it was how my student would actually tell a story!
I think the plot of this story is actually very original. What I mean is, I've never read or seen anything like it (although I'll admit I actively avoid the whole horror brand). I would try to be the like Strong's Coach on this one; the student should be cheered on to stick with this story--because it's great!
While I was browsing my colleagues' posts, I saw mention of the author maybe being an ELL student. If that is the case, then this student should be praised! I'm curious then if this story is based off of a culturally-based story or legend. If so, I think that would be a fun lead-in for an in-class discussion (provided the featured student was willing to discuss his story with the class, of course).
Something that bothered me about the story is the lack of sentence variety. My personal preference with most stories or more informal formats is that the story flows like a conversation. The narrator, to me, is the speaker and thus should sound like a speaker. I felt like the writer was making an effort to structure sentences while he or she wrote. I would encourage the student to instead let the ideas flow out onto the page. The student should work on their own personal voice, and not worry about the structure of the sentence so much. I would prefer to see run-ons and sentence fragments if it was how my student would actually tell a story!
I think the plot of this story is actually very original. What I mean is, I've never read or seen anything like it (although I'll admit I actively avoid the whole horror brand). I would try to be the like Strong's Coach on this one; the student should be cheered on to stick with this story--because it's great!
While I was browsing my colleagues' posts, I saw mention of the author maybe being an ELL student. If that is the case, then this student should be praised! I'm curious then if this story is based off of a culturally-based story or legend. If so, I think that would be a fun lead-in for an in-class discussion (provided the featured student was willing to discuss his story with the class, of course).
Spook-tacular Tale: Writing Conference
Jeremy’s paper is very well written. He is clearly an accomplished student and has had good writing instruction. He has an imagination like no other. The Gothic tale is classic for haunted stories, but his eloquent language gives way to a true writer. It is obvious that his imagination is
When reading this for the first time on Monday, I was unsure of what level Jeremy was at. I was also unsure if this was a first draft or where he was in the drafting/revision process. He was not consistent with his errors, he might have used the correct tense in one sentence and than use a different tense in the next. This made me question if he was unsure of the rule associated with the tense or if he was just being lazy/ writing in his register.
I really enjoyed how he used a lot of alliteration and imagery though out the piece. I could see the story unfolding before my eyes.
If I were to conference this piece with Jeremy I would suggest three things. First, I would have him look at the events in the story and see if he though that the story was in chronological order. Does the plot make sense? Is there a rising action, climax, and falling action? Is the story to long and drawn out? Second, I would ask him, how can you make this story more realistic? What parts seem to be a little far fetched? Third, I would ask him about his audience. Who is his target audience, and what is his purpose in writing to this audience?
With these three suggestions I would finish the conference by having him tell me what he particularly liked about the piece and what he thinks he can improve upon.
After he specfically points out 1 postive and 1 negative part, I would ask him if he had any questions for me as his reader. Maybe I did not cover a point in his paper that he though was particuallary important to him, like how he has three endings. This could have a signaticant meaning, but as the reader I am unsure.
Over all, I would have him contiune to edit this piece until it was publishable.
When reading this for the first time on Monday, I was unsure of what level Jeremy was at. I was also unsure if this was a first draft or where he was in the drafting/revision process. He was not consistent with his errors, he might have used the correct tense in one sentence and than use a different tense in the next. This made me question if he was unsure of the rule associated with the tense or if he was just being lazy/ writing in his register.
I really enjoyed how he used a lot of alliteration and imagery though out the piece. I could see the story unfolding before my eyes.
If I were to conference this piece with Jeremy I would suggest three things. First, I would have him look at the events in the story and see if he though that the story was in chronological order. Does the plot make sense? Is there a rising action, climax, and falling action? Is the story to long and drawn out? Second, I would ask him, how can you make this story more realistic? What parts seem to be a little far fetched? Third, I would ask him about his audience. Who is his target audience, and what is his purpose in writing to this audience?
With these three suggestions I would finish the conference by having him tell me what he particularly liked about the piece and what he thinks he can improve upon.
After he specfically points out 1 postive and 1 negative part, I would ask him if he had any questions for me as his reader. Maybe I did not cover a point in his paper that he though was particuallary important to him, like how he has three endings. This could have a signaticant meaning, but as the reader I am unsure.
Over all, I would have him contiune to edit this piece until it was publishable.
Gothic Responses... Muah ha ha...
First foremost, I give the author credit for "putting himself out there" to be judged. Even if this paper was absolute garbage, I would still have to praise him for at least trying to write something creative. Tonight, I was dragged (against my will) to go see 30 Days of Night, starring hunky Josh Hartnett. On the ride home, as I thought about how bad the movie was, I realized that whoever wrote it probably started out just like our author (whom I believe we are calling Jeremy). Well, let me say this: if the writer of 30 Days of Night could sell a story about vampires in Alaska to Hollywood, there's hope for our young lad!
I really liked the way that Jeremy incorporated the local/old Sunny Land Hospital into the story, giving it a "little touch of hometown flair." This is something, when if properly-developed, that is used by many writers when they go to research areas where their story takes place.
Aside from the (many) grammatical errors, Jeremy does a good job of telling a story. He even begins to show elements of character development when he writes "The oldest of the three, a 14 year old boy named David..." Though his dialog could use a lot of work, I felt like I knew who his characters were throughout the entire story.
I really liked the way that Jeremy incorporated the local/old Sunny Land Hospital into the story, giving it a "little touch of hometown flair." This is something, when if properly-developed, that is used by many writers when they go to research areas where their story takes place.
Aside from the (many) grammatical errors, Jeremy does a good job of telling a story. He even begins to show elements of character development when he writes "The oldest of the three, a 14 year old boy named David..." Though his dialog could use a lot of work, I felt like I knew who his characters were throughout the entire story.
Perfect Timing Jeremy!
Just in time for the Halloween festivities, our anonymous student writer has crafted a tale of detailed horror and sheer lack of proofreading. During my second reading of the paper, I tried to determine how I would address "Jeremy" if I were to have an FSUS type student conference with him. First off, I would have him read his work out loud to me. I think many of the grammatical errors could be solved if he took the time to reread what he had written. Also, his reading would refresh my mind on what I wanted to address with him. Next, I would tell him that he is a strong writer, and its true. He included many literary techniques that make his paper sparkle, he has alliteration, "pulled her pigtail and pleaded," foreshadowing and great word choice. Not to mention his post-modernistic defiance of the point of view conventions. He changes several times between third person omnipotent and first person. Honestly, I think that if he curtailed some personal pronouns and made his language clearer, this technique could work.
After complementing Jeremy, we would then begin to discuss some structural issues. I would really like him to find his grammatical equivocations so that I do not give off the vibe of tearing his paper apart. Another aspect that I considered while reading his paper is that Jeremy could possibly be an ELL student. Some passages seem like he took a thesaurus and changed words without being aware of the meaning, "people say we resemble" (3). Therefore, I think Jeremy needs a great amount of congratulations and encouragement for writing in a non-native language.
All in all, for our anonymous ELL student, I think this paper has potential. In the final minutes of the conference, I would encourage Jeremy to continue polishing his paper. As we all know, "writing is never finished, just abandoned."
After complementing Jeremy, we would then begin to discuss some structural issues. I would really like him to find his grammatical equivocations so that I do not give off the vibe of tearing his paper apart. Another aspect that I considered while reading his paper is that Jeremy could possibly be an ELL student. Some passages seem like he took a thesaurus and changed words without being aware of the meaning, "people say we resemble" (3). Therefore, I think Jeremy needs a great amount of congratulations and encouragement for writing in a non-native language.
All in all, for our anonymous ELL student, I think this paper has potential. In the final minutes of the conference, I would encourage Jeremy to continue polishing his paper. As we all know, "writing is never finished, just abandoned."
Gothic Story
Overall, I thought Jeremy had some pretty great ideas about his story. Something to this affect could really be made into a scary movie. It may be a corny horror movie, but still movie worthy. Jeremy's creativity really shone throughout the story, well until we realize it's all just a dream. The first step to becoming a good writer is to have the story. For me, coming up with what I want to say is the most difficult part of writing. Although I thought Jeremy had some great ideas, there were some grammatical errors throughout the writing. Because of the vast grammatical errors, I thought Jeremy was in middle school (until I looked up at the top of the paper and saw that he was in 11th grade, I guess I have high expectations).
This paper looks like a really strong first draft. The ideas are there and it seems like Jeremy was very interested in the idea of writing a Gothic short story. When discussing this paper in my group, I was informed that in Tallahassee there really was a "haunted" hospital on Blairstone Rd. I think that using these well known ideas and making them his own was Jeremy's strongest point. Jeremy took something he knew a lot about and used his creativity to make it his own scary story. Though Jeremy used this creativity to make a pretty good story, I do have some questions about his story line. For example, why did people start flying away? How did the street become very cold and dark all of a sudden? How did Lisa fly away when they were inside? Why did it end with a dream? I think ending this story with a dream was Jeremy's greatest downfall. The story just seemed to stop, as if he ran out of time.
There were grammatical errors, but those can be focused on with the second draft. I want to say how great of a writing topic this was. Especially to give to student around Halloween, I think they can really get into it. When at FSUS last week my writing partner actually was talking to me about a short scary story they were assigned to write for class and how much she loved it. I was extremely surprised to hear this because my student told me she hates school and hates writing. It just goes to show how a great topic can get students into their writing assignments and actually enjoy it.
This paper looks like a really strong first draft. The ideas are there and it seems like Jeremy was very interested in the idea of writing a Gothic short story. When discussing this paper in my group, I was informed that in Tallahassee there really was a "haunted" hospital on Blairstone Rd. I think that using these well known ideas and making them his own was Jeremy's strongest point. Jeremy took something he knew a lot about and used his creativity to make it his own scary story. Though Jeremy used this creativity to make a pretty good story, I do have some questions about his story line. For example, why did people start flying away? How did the street become very cold and dark all of a sudden? How did Lisa fly away when they were inside? Why did it end with a dream? I think ending this story with a dream was Jeremy's greatest downfall. The story just seemed to stop, as if he ran out of time.
There were grammatical errors, but those can be focused on with the second draft. I want to say how great of a writing topic this was. Especially to give to student around Halloween, I think they can really get into it. When at FSUS last week my writing partner actually was talking to me about a short scary story they were assigned to write for class and how much she loved it. I was extremely surprised to hear this because my student told me she hates school and hates writing. It just goes to show how a great topic can get students into their writing assignments and actually enjoy it.
Mediocre, to say the least
First and foremost, I want to commend this young author for his bravery in writing such a spooky tale. Well, it would have been spooky had he worked on a second draft of his storytelling, but that's not what we are here to critique, are we?
Perhaps it is because I have actually visited the place he references (Sunny Land Clinic, although to use the word 'clinic' is a stretch) and at night the place literally creeps you out. There is gory and gothic writing on the walls, scratch marks from fingernails on the walls, and none-too-subtle death threats painted on the stairwells and elevator shafts warning all who dare to enter about an untimely demise. The place is a perfect setting for a story that could scare the wits out of anyone who reads about it (Hello, House on Haunted Hill!) but the author doesn't live up to the setting that he chose! That, in and of itself, was the biggest problem I found with the story. Grammar problems and spelling aside; if you are going to write a story about one of Tallahassee's most creepiest locations, you should at least attempt to give it justice. This author instead wrote a story very similar to the movie script of The Forgotten and added a bit of Tallahassee folklore to top it off. Instead of creeping the reader out, he instead gives us something to laugh about when envisioning the story in its actual setting. (Or, at least, those who have been there can smile at the description).
Now, I don't intend to rip the author to shreds...his story has smooth transitions and definitely has a great beginning and great storyline. He or she just needs to tweak the story around the edges. Perhaps work on a spookier storyline; one that does not end with its just a dream, you're fine! He or she could write a plot that doesn't come right off of a movie script. They could add a little bit more description and maybe work on the characters. One of the biggest problems I've seen with short stories is that there simply isn't enough space to add as much detail as a writer may want to add...but in this story's case I think it is a necessity. We need characters that we can relate to in a setting that is believable...and this story leaves us not wanting more...but wanting something.
If I were to conference with this author, I would ask him or her how they came up with the storyline. I would ask for more description of Sunny Land and attempt to get them to see with their words instead of their eyes. I would, of course, tell them to proof read before they turn in a story...but if we are encouraging young writers then often it is not important to point out grammatical errors. The story is rough, but definitely could be improved! It is a great attempt!! :-)
Perhaps it is because I have actually visited the place he references (Sunny Land Clinic, although to use the word 'clinic' is a stretch) and at night the place literally creeps you out. There is gory and gothic writing on the walls, scratch marks from fingernails on the walls, and none-too-subtle death threats painted on the stairwells and elevator shafts warning all who dare to enter about an untimely demise. The place is a perfect setting for a story that could scare the wits out of anyone who reads about it (Hello, House on Haunted Hill!) but the author doesn't live up to the setting that he chose! That, in and of itself, was the biggest problem I found with the story. Grammar problems and spelling aside; if you are going to write a story about one of Tallahassee's most creepiest locations, you should at least attempt to give it justice. This author instead wrote a story very similar to the movie script of The Forgotten and added a bit of Tallahassee folklore to top it off. Instead of creeping the reader out, he instead gives us something to laugh about when envisioning the story in its actual setting. (Or, at least, those who have been there can smile at the description).
Now, I don't intend to rip the author to shreds...his story has smooth transitions and definitely has a great beginning and great storyline. He or she just needs to tweak the story around the edges. Perhaps work on a spookier storyline; one that does not end with its just a dream, you're fine! He or she could write a plot that doesn't come right off of a movie script. They could add a little bit more description and maybe work on the characters. One of the biggest problems I've seen with short stories is that there simply isn't enough space to add as much detail as a writer may want to add...but in this story's case I think it is a necessity. We need characters that we can relate to in a setting that is believable...and this story leaves us not wanting more...but wanting something.
If I were to conference with this author, I would ask him or her how they came up with the storyline. I would ask for more description of Sunny Land and attempt to get them to see with their words instead of their eyes. I would, of course, tell them to proof read before they turn in a story...but if we are encouraging young writers then often it is not important to point out grammatical errors. The story is rough, but definitely could be improved! It is a great attempt!! :-)
"I can't sing but I've got soul..."
Jeremy's horror/ghost story is best described with the above lyric from U2's song "Elevation." From a technical view, or that of an editor for a publisher, Jeremy can't write but he's "got soul" in his story with vivid imagery and a creative plot. The problem isn't the plot or the lack of description in his details, it is the structure of his sentences and other grammatical errors running rampant throughout the story. The difference between writing well (grammatically) and singing well (tonally) is that you can't get people to read your works if they can't understand what they are reading, yet people will still buy an Avril Lavigne album.
If I were Jeremy's teacher I would take into consideration where Jeremy is on the level of grammatical correctness. If he is a struggling student in regards to this aspect of writing I would focus on exercises that will help him develop a clearer sense of story and grammar structure. It is important to stress to Jeremy that he has wonderful ideas that the reader becomes distracted from due to the confusing punctuation, verb tense, point-of-view, and sentence structure. If this is a reoccurring problem in his writing then I wouldn't feel that in helping Jeremy build these skills will hinder his desire to write. Making it "no big deal, just something to continually work on and grow from" will help his writing skills without putting pressure on his ability to write.
I thought the story itself was great. I would definitely express to Jeremy that he has a real talent to create a scene, draw his readers in and hold their attention to the very end. He included so many clever and descriptive phrases that I could tell he enjoyed writing it. This enjoyment usually translates to the reader. His opening paragraph was intriguing because he painted a picture for readers to delve into: "It was only a quarter to five when the sun slowly made it's way down the horizon." This is such a vivid line! Other vivid imagery that I would point out as strong points in his writing are...
- "David reestablished his pride..."
- "...every streetlight shut off and the moon and stars disappeared."
- "Their bodies were trembling and hearts thumped."
- "Lisa...pleaded for silence."
- "...forceful, cold, throbbing winds outdoors."
And these examples are only in the first three paragraphs! Jeremy seems to have little problem with detailed imagery and plot development (even if his "it was a dream" ending was anti-climatic) so I would help him organize his sentences, tense and punctuation better so that his creative story could shine through. I think engaging Jeremy in a brainstorming session would cure that roadblock he came upon at the close of his short story. He seemed to refuse risk when it came to where he could go with wrapping up the story.
So while Jeremy presents an impressively creative short story, his creativity gets lost amongst the grammatical errors. Encouraging Jeremy to work on his grammar skills so that he doesn't sell his work short is just as important as encouraging a student with a perfectly written paper that flat lines before the end of the first paragraph to infuse creativity like Jeremy did.
If I were Jeremy's teacher I would take into consideration where Jeremy is on the level of grammatical correctness. If he is a struggling student in regards to this aspect of writing I would focus on exercises that will help him develop a clearer sense of story and grammar structure. It is important to stress to Jeremy that he has wonderful ideas that the reader becomes distracted from due to the confusing punctuation, verb tense, point-of-view, and sentence structure. If this is a reoccurring problem in his writing then I wouldn't feel that in helping Jeremy build these skills will hinder his desire to write. Making it "no big deal, just something to continually work on and grow from" will help his writing skills without putting pressure on his ability to write.
I thought the story itself was great. I would definitely express to Jeremy that he has a real talent to create a scene, draw his readers in and hold their attention to the very end. He included so many clever and descriptive phrases that I could tell he enjoyed writing it. This enjoyment usually translates to the reader. His opening paragraph was intriguing because he painted a picture for readers to delve into: "It was only a quarter to five when the sun slowly made it's way down the horizon." This is such a vivid line! Other vivid imagery that I would point out as strong points in his writing are...
- "David reestablished his pride..."
- "...every streetlight shut off and the moon and stars disappeared."
- "Their bodies were trembling and hearts thumped."
- "Lisa...pleaded for silence."
- "...forceful, cold, throbbing winds outdoors."
And these examples are only in the first three paragraphs! Jeremy seems to have little problem with detailed imagery and plot development (even if his "it was a dream" ending was anti-climatic) so I would help him organize his sentences, tense and punctuation better so that his creative story could shine through. I think engaging Jeremy in a brainstorming session would cure that roadblock he came upon at the close of his short story. He seemed to refuse risk when it came to where he could go with wrapping up the story.
So while Jeremy presents an impressively creative short story, his creativity gets lost amongst the grammatical errors. Encouraging Jeremy to work on his grammar skills so that he doesn't sell his work short is just as important as encouraging a student with a perfectly written paper that flat lines before the end of the first paragraph to infuse creativity like Jeremy did.
Nothing That Can't Be Fixed!
My first reaction to this paper was one of humor. When I was in middle school and I was writing a story and my characters got stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would make the entire thing a dream rather than race the mess I had created. I used to take the easy way out, and I think that many student writers, whether they like to write or not, also do this. This student took the easy way out with his paper, and now that I re-read it, I find it not be so much funny as it is sad. This is a missed opportunity for this student to express himself. In our next draft I would encourage this student to dig deep into the story and try to pull out a story line that can be developed rather than destroy it.
Perhaps this is because I visited Sunland Mental Hospital (referred to as Sunny Land in the story) before it was knocked down, but I was very disappointed by the development of the scenery. This is probably the creepiest place I have ever been, so it makes the perfect setting for this students Gothic short story, if only they would actually describe the scenery with more detail. This is another direction that I would point the student in while they are working on their next draft. There is so much potential in this story simply because of the setting, it's sad to see it wasted. (If the student is unfamiliar with this setting, I would pull some pictures to show them, or if the entire class was writing a story with the same creepy setting, I would create a mini-lesson with pictures and film and historical information to set the tone for the story.)
The grammar and the flow of the story really needs some work, but I think that if the student reads the story out loud to themselves, they will be able to work some of that stuff out. The grammar needs work, but it's a great piece the teacher could use for a class-wide grammar practice (we talk about giving the students a context for learning grammar and this would be the perfect opportunity).
I started out thinking that it was going to take a lot of work to get this story in shape, but now that I list everything and start to think abiut how the student would go about that process, I realize that it has great potential (just like it's author). I would really like to do an assignment like this when I have my own classroom - it would be interesting to see how it develops and I wish it were possible to see any possible revisions of this text.
Perhaps this is because I visited Sunland Mental Hospital (referred to as Sunny Land in the story) before it was knocked down, but I was very disappointed by the development of the scenery. This is probably the creepiest place I have ever been, so it makes the perfect setting for this students Gothic short story, if only they would actually describe the scenery with more detail. This is another direction that I would point the student in while they are working on their next draft. There is so much potential in this story simply because of the setting, it's sad to see it wasted. (If the student is unfamiliar with this setting, I would pull some pictures to show them, or if the entire class was writing a story with the same creepy setting, I would create a mini-lesson with pictures and film and historical information to set the tone for the story.)
The grammar and the flow of the story really needs some work, but I think that if the student reads the story out loud to themselves, they will be able to work some of that stuff out. The grammar needs work, but it's a great piece the teacher could use for a class-wide grammar practice (we talk about giving the students a context for learning grammar and this would be the perfect opportunity).
I started out thinking that it was going to take a lot of work to get this story in shape, but now that I list everything and start to think abiut how the student would go about that process, I realize that it has great potential (just like it's author). I would really like to do an assignment like this when I have my own classroom - it would be interesting to see how it develops and I wish it were possible to see any possible revisions of this text.
Spooky, Jeremy!
So I may be a little bit of a chicken, but this one gave me goosebumps! Jeremy has really impressed me with his creativity. The story is interesting and filled with vivid details. I like that he took one of Tallahassee's urban legends and made it his own. The real world inspired him to imagine, and he ran with it.
Aside from the grammatical errors, a few sentences really stuck out to me: "Lisa begun to cry until her brother pulled her pigtail and pleaded for silence." "The winds were starting to talk to them telling them to go in." "Jeremy took off his warm jacket to give to this little sister because her lips were white and her past bright rosy skin had fell pale." I like these sentences because of the "showing" words that engage the reader with the story. With that said, I think that if Jeremy "blows up" areas of his story, adding more description, it will be easier to follow and even more interesting.
I might also advise Jeremy to come up with an alternative ending. In one of my classes this week, my teacher said that adolescents often end stories with the phrase, "and then I woke up." It is clear that Jeremy has a great imagination. I would like him to brainstorm some unpredictable endings that he could perhaps incorporate into the story.
With a little revising, Jeremy's paper will be the next spooky story told around the campfire. Overall, kudos to Jeremy for great creativity.
Aside from the grammatical errors, a few sentences really stuck out to me: "Lisa begun to cry until her brother pulled her pigtail and pleaded for silence." "The winds were starting to talk to them telling them to go in." "Jeremy took off his warm jacket to give to this little sister because her lips were white and her past bright rosy skin had fell pale." I like these sentences because of the "showing" words that engage the reader with the story. With that said, I think that if Jeremy "blows up" areas of his story, adding more description, it will be easier to follow and even more interesting.
I might also advise Jeremy to come up with an alternative ending. In one of my classes this week, my teacher said that adolescents often end stories with the phrase, "and then I woke up." It is clear that Jeremy has a great imagination. I would like him to brainstorm some unpredictable endings that he could perhaps incorporate into the story.
With a little revising, Jeremy's paper will be the next spooky story told around the campfire. Overall, kudos to Jeremy for great creativity.
A Gifted Writer
After reading this narrative once, I was impressed by "his" creativity. I believe that this paper has the potential to become a strong piece of work. The plot twists were captivating. Also, the descriptive writing caught me completely. I felt like I was in the abandoned hospital with them. It takes some kind of natural talent to be able to write descriptively without giving too much or too little detail.
I gathered my initial thoughts, and then went back and read the paper again, but this time with a pen in my hand. I found numerous mistakes with the grammar, tense, and the speaking voice. Throughout the paper I found inconsistencies. However, those are all cosmetic things that can be pointed out and fixed. To me it doesn't detract from the creativity of the paper. Being in high school this is an impressive paper, and given enough training, I think this writer could go very far.
The training is our part, it is our job to take this first draft, and this natural talent, and help to mold it and let it grow. Too many times, teachers get caught in the technical part of writing, but I think it is so much more important to foster this imagination, and see where it could lead the student.
Overall, it truly has some cosmetic issues that need to be addressed, but in the big scheme of things, I thought it was a very striking and extraordinary paper. I even said to my group when we were going over this paper in class that I could see the author being a playwright one day. He has the skills to grab and hold attention and has a flare for the dramatic.
I gathered my initial thoughts, and then went back and read the paper again, but this time with a pen in my hand. I found numerous mistakes with the grammar, tense, and the speaking voice. Throughout the paper I found inconsistencies. However, those are all cosmetic things that can be pointed out and fixed. To me it doesn't detract from the creativity of the paper. Being in high school this is an impressive paper, and given enough training, I think this writer could go very far.
The training is our part, it is our job to take this first draft, and this natural talent, and help to mold it and let it grow. Too many times, teachers get caught in the technical part of writing, but I think it is so much more important to foster this imagination, and see where it could lead the student.
Overall, it truly has some cosmetic issues that need to be addressed, but in the big scheme of things, I thought it was a very striking and extraordinary paper. I even said to my group when we were going over this paper in class that I could see the author being a playwright one day. He has the skills to grab and hold attention and has a flare for the dramatic.
Pretty decent story(not great thought)
As far as writing instructions go there were a lot of errors, but I'm sure this was a first draft. So delving deeper into the paper i would say the story was pretty bland. I love reading and writing fiction, but this story just didn't capture my imagination the way I thought it would. The story starts off in a simple and uninteresting manner, which is good for this type of story. From there it goes nowhere, there is really no point in the story where I found myself wanting to read on; had this been a real book and not a class assignment I would've not gone past the first chapter. It was all to predictable. I admire his attempt but the story felt very rushed. The characters weren't developed besides the fact that they were brother and sister. There were two things that really annoyed me, 1. he didn't explain what was snatching each character away and 2. it was all a dream. That to me is a scapegoat. Do not make a story a dream, it makes the reader lose any real attachment they had to the character; its almost as if your lying to the reader and it becomes a big let down in the end.
As far as writing structure goes there was a lot of errors. I would not say that hindered my reading at all though. Mistakes are expected, especially when dealing with high school students. For a person to say he could not read the story because of a period, well that just beyond me. The story itself was pretty bland and I think in most cases that a bigger problem than missing a few periods and commas. Don't get me wrong there both big deals, but if the reader finds the story uninteresting they'll drop the book before they can even notice the mistakes.
If was to talk to this student I would tell him to be mindful of his grammar and spelling. Though there were few spelling errors, and he does know how to use punctuation, its just obvious that he did not proof read before turning it in. Also, it could be that the teacher could have made mistakes along the way on how and what he/she taught her students. Mistakes can't all be blamed on him, now can they. The bland story on the other hand was all him.
As far as writing structure goes there was a lot of errors. I would not say that hindered my reading at all though. Mistakes are expected, especially when dealing with high school students. For a person to say he could not read the story because of a period, well that just beyond me. The story itself was pretty bland and I think in most cases that a bigger problem than missing a few periods and commas. Don't get me wrong there both big deals, but if the reader finds the story uninteresting they'll drop the book before they can even notice the mistakes.
If was to talk to this student I would tell him to be mindful of his grammar and spelling. Though there were few spelling errors, and he does know how to use punctuation, its just obvious that he did not proof read before turning it in. Also, it could be that the teacher could have made mistakes along the way on how and what he/she taught her students. Mistakes can't all be blamed on him, now can they. The bland story on the other hand was all him.
SWOOP...
Not knowing the level at which Jeremy is able to write, I would say that for this (hopefully) first draft of the Gothic Short Story, he will be able to develop it into a well-thought out narrative. As I began reading his short story, I was immediately hooked by his attention to detail. His use of descriptive words is sometimes out of context but it gets the job done. Some of his other strengths included how he illustrated his own imagination. Jeremy really seemed to let the story become him and I could see, even though we actually do not know Jeremy at all, that he was putting his own personality and voice into this story.
If Jeremy and I were to have a writing conference, I would start off small with my revising suggestions. I would encourage Jeremy to take a look at the narrative he had written and actually read it out loud. I think if he were to do this, he would catch a lot of his small dialog mistakes and would see how some of his grammar and word choices were incorrect. For example, by reading the story out loud, I am hopeful that Jeremy would realize the sentence "As they ran through the front door then door slammed violently behind them" needs to be reworded in order to make sense. While I know that all of his grammar, verb tense, and word choice problems could not be fixed in this way, I think it would be a good jumping-off point for discussing these problems.
Another thing I would ask Jeremy to take a look at would be the end of his story. I might ask him how he would feel if he were to watch a really great scary movie or read a horror novel only to find out that it was only a dream. I think that we all secretly (and insanely) want to be frightened by those things and/or find out if there is some truth behind the fiction. In Jeremy's case, his story would be much more exciting if his ending didn't fizzle into a dream, but left the readers wanting more; wanting to find out the fate of the characters.
Overall, I think Jeremy is off to a pretty good start in his Gothic Short Story. I think that he will need many drafts in order to be able to pull off this story. His flow needs to be developed so that while he is getting his own personality across, other people are able to understand him.
If Jeremy and I were to have a writing conference, I would start off small with my revising suggestions. I would encourage Jeremy to take a look at the narrative he had written and actually read it out loud. I think if he were to do this, he would catch a lot of his small dialog mistakes and would see how some of his grammar and word choices were incorrect. For example, by reading the story out loud, I am hopeful that Jeremy would realize the sentence "As they ran through the front door then door slammed violently behind them" needs to be reworded in order to make sense. While I know that all of his grammar, verb tense, and word choice problems could not be fixed in this way, I think it would be a good jumping-off point for discussing these problems.
Another thing I would ask Jeremy to take a look at would be the end of his story. I might ask him how he would feel if he were to watch a really great scary movie or read a horror novel only to find out that it was only a dream. I think that we all secretly (and insanely) want to be frightened by those things and/or find out if there is some truth behind the fiction. In Jeremy's case, his story would be much more exciting if his ending didn't fizzle into a dream, but left the readers wanting more; wanting to find out the fate of the characters.
Overall, I think Jeremy is off to a pretty good start in his Gothic Short Story. I think that he will need many drafts in order to be able to pull off this story. His flow needs to be developed so that while he is getting his own personality across, other people are able to understand him.
Great Start
I really enjoyed this story. I think it is amazing that a student has been able to write a story. My experiences with writing in high school were, for the most part, limited to writing essays. I like the first paragraph. Even the opening sentence was enough to catch me, and make me want to read more. I wanted to know: why did the sun go down? Is that literal or figuratively speaking? What happens next!? The author also keeps the story suspenseful throughout.
Strengths:
Strengths:
- follows a Gothic style
- creates interesting, real-life characters and relationships
- grabs the attention of the reader
- nice sentence structure and vivid diction
- very creative
Weaknesses:
- incorrect word use (ex. "begun" instead of "began")
- some problems with subject-verb agreement
- changes frequently between tenses and voice
- dialogue is not written correctly
There is also some confusion throughout the paper. If it is structured well, it could be used as a device to dd to Gothic style. However, I think the confusion might be due to beginning writing. A little work could clear it up and make it stronger.
I really enjoyed reading, and would love to read the next draft!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Uncovering Potential
Overall, for a first draft, I thought this short story was great. Of course I could mark the hell out of it with a ‘red teacher pen’, but the basic ideas and details included in the story are a start in the right direction. The student’s gothic short story is full of some great things, but has its fair share of errors. The grammatical and mechanical mistakes in the essay are rampant, but I don't think they should overshadow the student's vision presented in the story. Instead of asking myself, "Is this a good paper?", I questioned, "Does this have the heart, and potential to become a good paper?" What is done well? The student tells his story, from beginning to end, without getting off topic. He also uses much character dialogue in his essay, and does this correctly. I also enjoyed the imaginative detail and descriptive adjectives used by the author. I saw in my FSUS writing conference that my student would write a simple sentence, and have trouble expanding or explaining what he was talking about. In this essay the student really puts himself into the story, and tells the story from his own eyes. There was also one sentence in the story that really popped out at me as being exceptional: “Confused and alone Jeremey laid on the dirty floor to get his thoughts together still naïve to the fact that his sister and friend had just disappeared.” With a few commas, this sentence would be superb.
What can be done better? First off, the student must consider point-of-view in his story. By justifying, then adjusting the narrative voice of the story, the reader will be less confused regarding the perspective from which this story is told. In some places he refers to himself in first-person, and in others, third-person. We all know that consistency is vital in any composition. I think the suspense and narration of the story would benefit from the entire story being told in first person. The writer could take the reader on a present-tense, first-hand ride through haunted house, instead of simply describing things that have already happened. After fixing the author’s voice in the story, he must dedicate time to editing grammar and sentence mechanics. I would make sure to wait until the very end of the writing process to help the student develop proper grammar and use of mechanics though. If I handed back this paper all marked up the first time, I am sure the student would be discouraged from any further drafting. So after fixing the point-of-view, I would have the student isolate each sentence to check for corrections. An effective strategy that my junior AP English teacher shared with me is to read your essay backwards, so each sentence can be looked at individually.
Little did I know...
I have to say, this story had my attention right from the last sentence in the first paragraph: "Little did they know that they were about walk into some strange things." Maybe it's just the little boy in me -- the one who stayed up until 2am to tape TNT's MonsterVision every Friday night -- but when the story was over I read it again with huge grin on my face, just to revel in it. I want to make it clear that I am not mocking this story. I genuinely loved the hell out of it.
Where the story falls flat in overall execution, the abundance of creative details and descriptions makes up for it. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is a second draft, because all of the ideas are present and organized in a way that the story flows naturally from one paragraph to the next, but there is an abundance of awkward phrasing and poor grammar (the literary equivalent of bad dialogue, a common characteristic of those craptastic horror movies I'm so fond of).
It appears that the author has definitely employed the use of new vocabulary and writing techniques to communicate the dramatic impact of his story. His use of "SWOOP" on page 2 effectively communicates the abruptness David's spooky flight, and his frequent inclusion of phrases like "Lisa began to freak out with her own frustration" (2), and "I was now feeling light headed and the words the old lady told me kept swimming in my head"(3) are indicators that while he may not have a perfect grasp of the language, he is experimenting with different ways of phrasing so that he would eventually develop the skills necessary to transform this draft into well-written piece of gothic horror.
While discussing this paper with the student, I would definitely congratulate him on his creative descriptions, as well as the obvious risks he's taken in writing this story. I agree wth Dana in regards to her comment about the "harsh temp. below 0" part, and push him to show me that it is cold outside, and not just say it. Are the characters shivering? Can they see their own breath? Are their ears and noses red from frostbite? Little details that he could add in order to make his story read more realistically.
Another major subject for revision would be his use of grammar. As I said before, he takes a lot of risks in trying to convey his vision, but he usually does so at the expense of grammar. I'd have him go through and read the entire essay aloud and mark any awkward sentences. I'd also bring up how redundant his first three sentences are, and have him work to combine them into one complete thought in regards to the early sunset. The last two pages also seem rushed to meet the deadline, with missing commas and quotation marks, so in reading aloud, he will hopefully be able to spot some errors on his own.
Overall, this was a great skeleton for a story. Though it was hokey at times, this story served as a reminder of everything I love about bad horror flicks, and I hope he eventually goes on to perfect the formula and write screenplays for movies that make me happy. All of the ideas are here, he just needs a little guidance.
Where the story falls flat in overall execution, the abundance of creative details and descriptions makes up for it. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is a second draft, because all of the ideas are present and organized in a way that the story flows naturally from one paragraph to the next, but there is an abundance of awkward phrasing and poor grammar (the literary equivalent of bad dialogue, a common characteristic of those craptastic horror movies I'm so fond of).
It appears that the author has definitely employed the use of new vocabulary and writing techniques to communicate the dramatic impact of his story. His use of "SWOOP" on page 2 effectively communicates the abruptness David's spooky flight, and his frequent inclusion of phrases like "Lisa began to freak out with her own frustration" (2), and "I was now feeling light headed and the words the old lady told me kept swimming in my head"(3) are indicators that while he may not have a perfect grasp of the language, he is experimenting with different ways of phrasing so that he would eventually develop the skills necessary to transform this draft into well-written piece of gothic horror.
While discussing this paper with the student, I would definitely congratulate him on his creative descriptions, as well as the obvious risks he's taken in writing this story. I agree wth Dana in regards to her comment about the "harsh temp. below 0" part, and push him to show me that it is cold outside, and not just say it. Are the characters shivering? Can they see their own breath? Are their ears and noses red from frostbite? Little details that he could add in order to make his story read more realistically.
Another major subject for revision would be his use of grammar. As I said before, he takes a lot of risks in trying to convey his vision, but he usually does so at the expense of grammar. I'd have him go through and read the entire essay aloud and mark any awkward sentences. I'd also bring up how redundant his first three sentences are, and have him work to combine them into one complete thought in regards to the early sunset. The last two pages also seem rushed to meet the deadline, with missing commas and quotation marks, so in reading aloud, he will hopefully be able to spot some errors on his own.
Overall, this was a great skeleton for a story. Though it was hokey at times, this story served as a reminder of everything I love about bad horror flicks, and I hope he eventually goes on to perfect the formula and write screenplays for movies that make me happy. All of the ideas are here, he just needs a little guidance.
MUWAHAHAHAHAHHAAA
(That's my scary evil laugh. It's much less intimidating in person.)
I think one of the best things this paper has to offer is its shear entertainment value. Sure there are plenty of things to work on, but you have to admit it was at least interesting and funny at times. That is a great start when compared to the typical, monotonous paper an 11th grade student may submit. I think some of the things that really contribute to this are "Jeremy's" creativity and his attention to detail. Plus, I know all about the real Sunnyland, since I was born and raised in good ol' Tallyho, and you won't catch me near it anytime soon. No sir, that place scares me. Maybe not because I fear evil Wizard of Oz-esq beings (at least that's how I pictured them in my head) "SWOOP[ING]" me off to the great unknown, but more because there have to be tons of spiders in that decrepit old building. But I digress...
Some things I would bring up to Jeremy, outside of the obvious need for a good spelling and grammar check, would be the need for even more detail and description throughout the story. For instance, instead of telling me that the "temp." was below zero, show me the children shuddering, their breath lingering before them, the scenery around them frosting over from the extreme cold, something like that. I think this could be said for much of the paper. Jeremy did a good job of giving a good base for the images, but I would really love to be able to see what he sees. Even if Jeremy doesn't see everything, like the creatures that snatch David and Lisa, I would like to. Also, I would ask him to omit the line in the first paragraph where he said "Little do they know that they were about to walk into some strange things." This could coincide with my first point. Instead of blatantly telling the reader that things are about to go sour, maybe be a little more subtle with the foreshadowing. I think that the end could also use a good bit of work. I got very confused reading it and I think it is unrealistic to have the whole "wake up out of the nightmare only to realize it's really going to happen" gig twice in one story. I would encourage him to consolidate the two in to one, or come up with something new entirely.
Over all, I would say that this was a decent paper, with the potential to get a lot better. I appreciate anytime a student seems to embrace an assignment as Jeremy did. However, I think that there is definite room for fine tuning here. It is hard to tell by only seeing this paper if this is really good work for Jeremy, or if he is slacking off here, but assuming he did try, I would tell Jeremy to keep up the hard work!
I think one of the best things this paper has to offer is its shear entertainment value. Sure there are plenty of things to work on, but you have to admit it was at least interesting and funny at times. That is a great start when compared to the typical, monotonous paper an 11th grade student may submit. I think some of the things that really contribute to this are "Jeremy's" creativity and his attention to detail. Plus, I know all about the real Sunnyland, since I was born and raised in good ol' Tallyho, and you won't catch me near it anytime soon. No sir, that place scares me. Maybe not because I fear evil Wizard of Oz-esq beings (at least that's how I pictured them in my head) "SWOOP[ING]" me off to the great unknown, but more because there have to be tons of spiders in that decrepit old building. But I digress...
Some things I would bring up to Jeremy, outside of the obvious need for a good spelling and grammar check, would be the need for even more detail and description throughout the story. For instance, instead of telling me that the "temp." was below zero, show me the children shuddering, their breath lingering before them, the scenery around them frosting over from the extreme cold, something like that. I think this could be said for much of the paper. Jeremy did a good job of giving a good base for the images, but I would really love to be able to see what he sees. Even if Jeremy doesn't see everything, like the creatures that snatch David and Lisa, I would like to. Also, I would ask him to omit the line in the first paragraph where he said "Little do they know that they were about to walk into some strange things." This could coincide with my first point. Instead of blatantly telling the reader that things are about to go sour, maybe be a little more subtle with the foreshadowing. I think that the end could also use a good bit of work. I got very confused reading it and I think it is unrealistic to have the whole "wake up out of the nightmare only to realize it's really going to happen" gig twice in one story. I would encourage him to consolidate the two in to one, or come up with something new entirely.
Over all, I would say that this was a decent paper, with the potential to get a lot better. I appreciate anytime a student seems to embrace an assignment as Jeremy did. However, I think that there is definite room for fine tuning here. It is hard to tell by only seeing this paper if this is really good work for Jeremy, or if he is slacking off here, but assuming he did try, I would tell Jeremy to keep up the hard work!
A Gothic Short Story...
I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised with Jeremy’s story. Having not worked with many high school writers thus far, the only work I have to compare his story to is my tenth grade writing partner from FSUS. Comparatively speaking, Jeremy’s story was well organized, very creative, and captured his Gothic theme very well. I thought Jeremy did a good job of describing the setting and capturing the eerie feel his Gothic theme would suggest. Jeremy used very descriptive words and wasn’t afraid to experiment with his writing. His experiments were effective in some places and lost in others, but I was impressed that he stepped outside the box of the typical Gothic horror story.
Although this is a great first draft of Jeremy’s story, there are a few areas of the story that need clarification. For example, starting on page four Jeremy escapes his first nightmare and wakes up in another, at least that’s what I think happened! This is an interesting twist and could make the big reveal at the end even more shocking. Jeremy should rewrite, focus, and further explain this section of this story so that it remains a mystery but still fits into the flow of the story. Speaking of mystery, I love the fact that his friends disappear, but where to they go? It was frustrating to finish the story and have so many loose ends. This would suggest that Jeremy did not do much prewriting and relied on his creativity to work through the paper. Now that he has written a first draft, I would have Jeremy outline his story so he could follow the chain of events and make the appropriate adjustments needed to clarify the story, leaving no questions unanswered.
Jeremy does need some help in the grammar department. Although, I feel Jeremy’s mistakes are a prime case for teaching grammar in context. A quick refresher course at the beginning of class on comma usage or the persuasive apostrophe could make a world of difference for Jeremy. The entire class could benefit, and using examples from student work really makes the material relevant to their personal writing.
P.S. He needs a catchy title!!!
Friday, October 26, 2007
a good start...
Keeping in mind all the literature we've read on being sensitive to destroying a student's paper so that they won't develop a fear of writing, I think that Jeremy's short story was a good start on the road to an excellent piece of writing. It's easy to forget that our writing skills have grown a lot since high school, but we too made senseless errors that we could easily catch now.
Jeremy has many strengths in his paper. He uses writing techniques like suspense and foreshadowing throughout the story to create the gothic feel of a story. He also gives nice imagery details such as "her lips were white and her past bright rosy skin had [fallen] pale". Jeremy also makes you feel like you are in the story with his "SWOOPS" and other description. It may be cliche, but I really enjoyed the twist at the end of the whole situation being a dream.
However, with all the good things said, Jeremy obviously had some weaknesses in his paper. I believe the main issues lie in grammatical errors, particularly those in spelling, use of quotations, use of first and third person, contractions, and verb tense. In a more general sense, I would encourage Jeremy to develop some of the situations that he introduces in the story. With ghost stories, there is a delicate balance between mystery and confusion--Jeremy just needs to make sure that his readers don't become frustrated with his writing.
Overall, I think that Jeremy did a good job with his story. With more drafts, his work is sure to improve and the strong points will become even stronger while the weak places are swept away...just like the characters in Jeremy's story!
Jeremy has many strengths in his paper. He uses writing techniques like suspense and foreshadowing throughout the story to create the gothic feel of a story. He also gives nice imagery details such as "her lips were white and her past bright rosy skin had [fallen] pale". Jeremy also makes you feel like you are in the story with his "SWOOPS" and other description. It may be cliche, but I really enjoyed the twist at the end of the whole situation being a dream.
However, with all the good things said, Jeremy obviously had some weaknesses in his paper. I believe the main issues lie in grammatical errors, particularly those in spelling, use of quotations, use of first and third person, contractions, and verb tense. In a more general sense, I would encourage Jeremy to develop some of the situations that he introduces in the story. With ghost stories, there is a delicate balance between mystery and confusion--Jeremy just needs to make sure that his readers don't become frustrated with his writing.
Overall, I think that Jeremy did a good job with his story. With more drafts, his work is sure to improve and the strong points will become even stronger while the weak places are swept away...just like the characters in Jeremy's story!
Response to Horror...ible Story...
I agree with pretty much everything Melanie says here. I guess as I was reading the story, I either didn't know or had forgotten that this student is an 11th grader. With this knowledge in mind, I suppose a higher level of writing should be expected. I think what really struck me was his creativity, and it must have distracted me from all of his other errors. Yes, it was hard to follow at times, but it still was relatively interesting.
As a first draft, this piece is great. There is plenty to work with and develop (and cut out). He did seem to have a hard time switching between characters, like Melanie said, and he used numerous words incorrectly, which, for an 11th grader, is a little worrisome. However, returning to Melanie's comment, a good bit of my response depends on his level as a writer. Should we expect more from him? Or should we be content that he even turned in an assignment and a four page one at that? Obviously we cannot overlook the copious errors in his writing, but I do believe Melanie is right when she brings up the important issue of knowing at what level the writer is and then determining a response using that knowledge.
As a first draft, this piece is great. There is plenty to work with and develop (and cut out). He did seem to have a hard time switching between characters, like Melanie said, and he used numerous words incorrectly, which, for an 11th grader, is a little worrisome. However, returning to Melanie's comment, a good bit of my response depends on his level as a writer. Should we expect more from him? Or should we be content that he even turned in an assignment and a four page one at that? Obviously we cannot overlook the copious errors in his writing, but I do believe Melanie is right when she brings up the important issue of knowing at what level the writer is and then determining a response using that knowledge.
is this a first draft?
This is probably what I would write as a response directly to the student:
The language and details are so vivd and really get the reader involved in the story. The setting is really well-defined and helps the reader become involved as well. I love the plot and the descriptive verbs used to move it along.
I would have like to be told what it was that was sucking the characters and objects in the ceiling and be given a bit more detail regarding Jeremy's fright as a result of this. I like the element of mystery, but it's a bit frustrating that the mystery remains even after finishing the story.
There are many, many editing mistakes that need to be addressed as well. Many of the mistakes indicate that the paper was probably never proofread, or at least, not very closely proofread.
I do LOVE the ending, though-how the plot twists and then twists again right in the last couple of sentences-Brilliant!
But to you guys, I would say this:
On the grammatical side of things (though I know I shouldn't start off with this aspect of writing), it's awful. The paper clearly was not proofread or else the author has very little concept of the English language. While he/she uses vivid vocabulary, it becomes ineffectual when the reader has to stop to clarify the meaning due to bad sentence structure/mispunctuation. Someone should let this guy/girl know about spell check.
There was also an instance when the author switched from third person to first person, and then switched back (???).
However, I personally adore the story line because I recognize just how hard it is to come up with an interesting, compelling plot that includes a climax and a resolution. I took a fiction comp. class and struggled my way through it because I lacked ideas. Fiction writing is intensely personal and reflective of imagination, which can often become embarassing when shared with others, so I really appreciated this author's work. Also, the author does an excellent job of "showing, not telling" as he/she moves the plot along. For example, rather than saying a drab, "It was dark" on the first page, he/she says, "every street light shut off and the moon and stars disappeared." His/her language adds color and spirit to the writing.
All in all, I think that this story is very good; however, it appears very much like a first draft because of editing ignorance. It's got a ways to go, but not too long a ways because the ideas are there.
The language and details are so vivd and really get the reader involved in the story. The setting is really well-defined and helps the reader become involved as well. I love the plot and the descriptive verbs used to move it along.
I would have like to be told what it was that was sucking the characters and objects in the ceiling and be given a bit more detail regarding Jeremy's fright as a result of this. I like the element of mystery, but it's a bit frustrating that the mystery remains even after finishing the story.
There are many, many editing mistakes that need to be addressed as well. Many of the mistakes indicate that the paper was probably never proofread, or at least, not very closely proofread.
I do LOVE the ending, though-how the plot twists and then twists again right in the last couple of sentences-Brilliant!
But to you guys, I would say this:
On the grammatical side of things (though I know I shouldn't start off with this aspect of writing), it's awful. The paper clearly was not proofread or else the author has very little concept of the English language. While he/she uses vivid vocabulary, it becomes ineffectual when the reader has to stop to clarify the meaning due to bad sentence structure/mispunctuation. Someone should let this guy/girl know about spell check.
There was also an instance when the author switched from third person to first person, and then switched back (???).
However, I personally adore the story line because I recognize just how hard it is to come up with an interesting, compelling plot that includes a climax and a resolution. I took a fiction comp. class and struggled my way through it because I lacked ideas. Fiction writing is intensely personal and reflective of imagination, which can often become embarassing when shared with others, so I really appreciated this author's work. Also, the author does an excellent job of "showing, not telling" as he/she moves the plot along. For example, rather than saying a drab, "It was dark" on the first page, he/she says, "every street light shut off and the moon and stars disappeared." His/her language adds color and spirit to the writing.
All in all, I think that this story is very good; however, it appears very much like a first draft because of editing ignorance. It's got a ways to go, but not too long a ways because the ideas are there.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Horror-ible Story...
That title's a little harsh, I know, I was just trying to be funny. But seriously, I wasn't that impressed knowing he was an 11th grader. Obviously, I wouldn't approach my student with that blunt of a reaction, but of course, in a more subtle sense.
The plot of this story has potential but, to be honest, it was a bit confusing. He was constantly refering to his characters as him, her, and in the end, he started refering to the main character, Jeremy, as himself. That's where I really got lost. As 11th grader, I think his writing should be a little more organized. His vocabulary was also basic and some words were used out of context. Since this is an anonomous writing I obviously don't know if this kid is an above average, average, or below average student, which I think would effect my response apptoach.
His story has potential and with a little work and guidance I think he could have a good, little story. You can tell he is very creative and imaginative and that's not always easy to come by. I think at this point it's just a matter of helping him organize his thoughts, stressingthe importance of proof reading, and bulking up the plot to create suspense and intensity that I think belongs in a gothic story.
The plot of this story has potential but, to be honest, it was a bit confusing. He was constantly refering to his characters as him, her, and in the end, he started refering to the main character, Jeremy, as himself. That's where I really got lost. As 11th grader, I think his writing should be a little more organized. His vocabulary was also basic and some words were used out of context. Since this is an anonomous writing I obviously don't know if this kid is an above average, average, or below average student, which I think would effect my response apptoach.
His story has potential and with a little work and guidance I think he could have a good, little story. You can tell he is very creative and imaginative and that's not always easy to come by. I think at this point it's just a matter of helping him organize his thoughts, stressingthe importance of proof reading, and bulking up the plot to create suspense and intensity that I think belongs in a gothic story.
Jeremy's Short Horror story!!!
I was very impressed when I read this story. The amount of detail and creativity the author used really surprised me. I was not expecting the story to be as interesting as it actually was. The author really kept me guessing until the end. I know I'm kind of a wimp, but parts of it were actually kind of eerie!
For the most part, Jeremy's organization was fairly good. Some of his paragraphs went on too long, but his main ideas seemed to flow in a pretty decent chronological order. I did get a little confused with his switching back and forth between characters.
I also was impressed by the length of this story. I'm guessing that as Jeremy was writing, he started getting really excited about each scene, and before he realized it, he'd written four pages! For me, reading this story further goes to show that if students have an interesting topic that they love, they will write more and with more enthusiasm. I could just be over analyzing Jeremy's paper, but I got the idea that he had a great time writing it, based solely on the length of the story, and the somewhat random tangents he went on.
For the most part, Jeremy's organization was fairly good. Some of his paragraphs went on too long, but his main ideas seemed to flow in a pretty decent chronological order. I did get a little confused with his switching back and forth between characters.
I also was impressed by the length of this story. I'm guessing that as Jeremy was writing, he started getting really excited about each scene, and before he realized it, he'd written four pages! For me, reading this story further goes to show that if students have an interesting topic that they love, they will write more and with more enthusiasm. I could just be over analyzing Jeremy's paper, but I got the idea that he had a great time writing it, based solely on the length of the story, and the somewhat random tangents he went on.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
J.T.'s Green Pen: Response to "Gothic Short Story"
I like that the teenage author of this story is willing to be bold. Some high school students really take to this kind of storytelling, others don't. Also, we often create conditions in our classrooms that discourage students from taking risks in their writing. This author -- I'll give him the (sometimes) narrator's name, Jeremy -- is willing to take risks and be creative, and for that alone he deserves credit and praise.
As a reader, I like that he wants to tell a scary story. While I don't believe in ghosts, I can nevertheless get the creeps as easy as the next guy or gal. He uses a famous local setting (Sunland Hospital) to tell his tale -- a real place with a reputation for being haunted. In so doing, he mixes his fiction with reality, reminding us that the distinctions between these two terms are blurry at best. Jeremy gives us dream sequences, strange and creepy characters (like the heavy set lady who says "Never say never"), and a supporting cast of annoying friends and siblings who we look forward to seeing ripped to shreds by menacing, invisible, otherworldly entities. Sadly, Jeremy deprives us of this satisfaction, using one of the oldest cheap tricks in the proverbial book of fiction no-no's -- it was all just a bad dream.
Were I to conference with Jeremy over his story, I would first encourage him to rewrite the ending of the story, thus amending his egregious transgression. First rule in fiction writing: no cheap tricks. The it was all just a dream trick worked maybe once or twice in history and never since. So, as far as content is concerned, that would be my first suggestion. Next, I would encourage him to give us a little more background on the characters and the old hospital before he starts swooshing characters up into the sky and into asbestos-packed hospital ward ceilings. A little more set-up would help readers to get into the story.
The text has several other problems with issues like narrative voice (perspective) and surface-level conventions. I wouldn't want to overwhelm Jeremy by hitting him with everything at once, so in my initial conference I would focus on just a few things. On page three of his story, he completely switches perspective, going from third-person to first-person narration. He needs to make a decision here and stick with it. Changing the narrative voice mid-paragraph just isn't working. Next, I would probably teach him how to set dialogue up on the page, starting a new paragraph when a different character begins speaking or doing something.
If Jeremy were a sensitive young man not confident with writing, I might stop here in terms of making recommendations in my writing conference with him. I've given him four things to work on, so if I'm worried that he might get discouraged, then I'd stop there. If, however, Jeremy is one of those students who can't get enough feedback, and he's confident in his creative abilities, then I might also mention that characters usually don't speak of themselves in the third-person unless they are cute little muppets named Elmo. On page one, "Lisa exclaimed, 'she wouldn't ever be caught in that haunted hospital.' " Let's make "she" into "i" and then capitalize it -- "I." On page two, Jeremy writes that "As David spotted the light he encouraged them to slowly sprint towards the building." A "sprint" by definition is not slow. Jeremy might want to rephrase that one. I might also take this opportunity to mention that "y'all" works a little better as the Southern version of "you-plural" than "you alls," which is annoying as hell.
Stuff like that. But again, the main thing would be to give him a few things to work on following this first draft (God, I hope it was a first draft!) -- mostly about content and shaping his story for an audience. Then on subsequent drafts I can begin to zero in on the surface errors.
That's how I respond to the "Gothic Short Story."
This concludes this transmission.
As a reader, I like that he wants to tell a scary story. While I don't believe in ghosts, I can nevertheless get the creeps as easy as the next guy or gal. He uses a famous local setting (Sunland Hospital) to tell his tale -- a real place with a reputation for being haunted. In so doing, he mixes his fiction with reality, reminding us that the distinctions between these two terms are blurry at best. Jeremy gives us dream sequences, strange and creepy characters (like the heavy set lady who says "Never say never"), and a supporting cast of annoying friends and siblings who we look forward to seeing ripped to shreds by menacing, invisible, otherworldly entities. Sadly, Jeremy deprives us of this satisfaction, using one of the oldest cheap tricks in the proverbial book of fiction no-no's -- it was all just a bad dream.
Were I to conference with Jeremy over his story, I would first encourage him to rewrite the ending of the story, thus amending his egregious transgression. First rule in fiction writing: no cheap tricks. The it was all just a dream trick worked maybe once or twice in history and never since. So, as far as content is concerned, that would be my first suggestion. Next, I would encourage him to give us a little more background on the characters and the old hospital before he starts swooshing characters up into the sky and into asbestos-packed hospital ward ceilings. A little more set-up would help readers to get into the story.
The text has several other problems with issues like narrative voice (perspective) and surface-level conventions. I wouldn't want to overwhelm Jeremy by hitting him with everything at once, so in my initial conference I would focus on just a few things. On page three of his story, he completely switches perspective, going from third-person to first-person narration. He needs to make a decision here and stick with it. Changing the narrative voice mid-paragraph just isn't working. Next, I would probably teach him how to set dialogue up on the page, starting a new paragraph when a different character begins speaking or doing something.
If Jeremy were a sensitive young man not confident with writing, I might stop here in terms of making recommendations in my writing conference with him. I've given him four things to work on, so if I'm worried that he might get discouraged, then I'd stop there. If, however, Jeremy is one of those students who can't get enough feedback, and he's confident in his creative abilities, then I might also mention that characters usually don't speak of themselves in the third-person unless they are cute little muppets named Elmo. On page one, "Lisa exclaimed, 'she wouldn't ever be caught in that haunted hospital.' " Let's make "she" into "i" and then capitalize it -- "I." On page two, Jeremy writes that "As David spotted the light he encouraged them to slowly sprint towards the building." A "sprint" by definition is not slow. Jeremy might want to rephrase that one. I might also take this opportunity to mention that "y'all" works a little better as the Southern version of "you-plural" than "you alls," which is annoying as hell.
Stuff like that. But again, the main thing would be to give him a few things to work on following this first draft (God, I hope it was a first draft!) -- mostly about content and shaping his story for an audience. Then on subsequent drafts I can begin to zero in on the surface errors.
That's how I respond to the "Gothic Short Story."
This concludes this transmission.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Welcome, Comrades.
As you can see, Comrades, we have our very own blog space now. The future of writing instruction is inevitably linked to digital technology. How will you use the new media to turn your students on to words and language? In what ways can the new media assist you in making your students better writers? Go ahead and start thinking about it, if you haven't already. The future is here now, it seems.Let's begin by responding to some student writing. Today in class we read an anonymous 11th-grader's "Gothic Short Story." Your instructions are to post a "response" to this writing. What did you like about the story? What were it's strengths and weaknesses? What would you tell this student in a writing conference if you met to discuss this piece?
After you have posted your response, begin reading the responses of your classmates. Choose one and post another response -- this time to the response of your classmate.
Altogther, then, you're creating two posts: (1) your response to the short story and (2) your response to a classmate's response. I, too, will post a response to the short story, and I might just respond to a few responses as well!
Now, if you're really motivated, in addition to your response to the short story and a response to a classmate's response, when someone comments on your response, you'll respond! Which means you'll be responding to the response to your response. Is this "meta" enough for you? I certainly hope so. If it isn't, then try responding to the response to your response to your classmate's response! Oh my. It's like a hall of mirrors, isn't it?
I look forward to hearing from each of you very soon!
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