Not Half Bad!

I found this to be very original and creative, given the age of the author and nature of the assignment (a short story!). Short stories, in my opinion, are one of the most difficult pieces of writing to produce, especially fiction. This is probably why we found it a little hard to follow characters and settings at times. It honestly took me a couple of times to re-read it and understand the plot (like who was where, when).

But once I finally got into the story, I found it pretty interesting, and surprisingly not uber-cheesy. I think our little Jeremy actually had fun writing this saga for us, and put a lot of creativity and thought into it. I also think it took a lot of guts. I saw good characterization, some nice imagery in certain places, and a few especially delightful sentences that seemed to jump off the page, like “The winds were starting to talk to them, telling them to go in. Jeremy took off his warm jack to give to [his] little sister because her lips were white and her past bright rosy skin had fallen pale.” Even though the wording may seem a little rough, his daring attempts to grab the reader’s attention with such description deserve some recognition. I also loved the alliteration in the phrase “Flushed with fear,” whether it was intentional or not. And can I say that the “SWOOP”s just made me laugh.
However, beginning too many sentences with “the” and not enough variation in sentence structure (lack of transitions) distracted from the overall “flow” of the paper and from making it an easy read. As the reader, I found myself pausing frequently to try to follow what Jeremy was saying. Not to mention, the endless grammar errors (repeatedly using “unto” instead of “into”), lack of commas, or poor word choice.
If I were to sit down and talk about this piece with Jeremy, I would definitely applaud his boldness, effort, and talent to create such an original plot. I especially like how was able to re-create the first scene at the end of the story without seeming repetitive. It was just enough detail to look familiar, and yet remain ironic and somewhat humorous. A few pointers I would give him to give the paper a little more flow and organization (even though there are signs of his attempt to already do so), would be to separate his paragraphs more often, and more intentionally. I would also indicate the several places I noticed pronouns that did not clearly point to their objects. He should also be instructed more carefully how to open and close quotes in a sentence (i.e. always capitalize the first word, and punctuate as you would in a normal sentence). But I would also tell him to keep his head up, because he shows a lot of promise as a writer. His idea was creative and fun; he is just a prime example of a student’s freedom to create that can easily become inhibited or trapped by the mechanics of grammar, if the teacher is not patient and encouraging enough to look beyond it.

October 29, 2007 4:34 AM