MUWAHAHAHAHAHHAAA

(That's my scary evil laugh. It's much less intimidating in person.)
I think one of the best things this paper has to offer is its shear entertainment value. Sure there are plenty of things to work on, but you have to admit it was at least interesting and funny at times. That is a great start when compared to the typical, monotonous paper an 11th grade student may submit. I think some of the things that really contribute to this are "Jeremy's" creativity and his attention to detail. Plus, I know all about the real Sunnyland, since I was born and raised in good ol' Tallyho, and you won't catch me near it anytime soon. No sir, that place scares me. Maybe not because I fear evil Wizard of Oz-esq beings (at least that's how I pictured them in my head) "SWOOP[ING]" me off to the great unknown, but more because there have to be tons of spiders in that decrepit old building. But I digress...
Some things I would bring up to Jeremy, outside of the obvious need for a good spelling and grammar check, would be the need for even more detail and description throughout the story. For instance, instead of telling me that the "temp." was below zero, show me the children shuddering, their breath lingering before them, the scenery around them frosting over from the extreme cold, something like that. I think this could be said for much of the paper. Jeremy did a good job of giving a good base for the images, but I would really love to be able to see what he sees. Even if Jeremy doesn't see everything, like the creatures that snatch David and Lisa, I would like to. Also, I would ask him to omit the line in the first paragraph where he said "Little do they know that they were about to walk into some strange things." This could coincide with my first point. Instead of blatantly telling the reader that things are about to go sour, maybe be a little more subtle with the foreshadowing. I think that the end could also use a good bit of work. I got very confused reading it and I think it is unrealistic to have the whole "wake up out of the nightmare only to realize it's really going to happen" gig twice in one story. I would encourage him to consolidate the two in to one, or come up with something new entirely.
Over all, I would say that this was a decent paper, with the potential to get a lot better. I appreciate anytime a student seems to embrace an assignment as Jeremy did. However, I think that there is definite room for fine tuning here. It is hard to tell by only seeing this paper if this is really good work for Jeremy, or if he is slacking off here, but assuming he did try, I would tell Jeremy to keep up the hard work!