Mediocre, to say the least

First and foremost, I want to commend this young author for his bravery in writing such a spooky tale. Well, it would have been spooky had he worked on a second draft of his storytelling, but that's not what we are here to critique, are we?

Perhaps it is because I have actually visited the place he references (Sunny Land Clinic, although to use the word 'clinic' is a stretch) and at night the place literally creeps you out. There is gory and gothic writing on the walls, scratch marks from fingernails on the walls, and none-too-subtle death threats painted on the stairwells and elevator shafts warning all who dare to enter about an untimely demise. The place is a perfect setting for a story that could scare the wits out of anyone who reads about it (Hello, House on Haunted Hill!) but the author doesn't live up to the setting that he chose! That, in and of itself, was the biggest problem I found with the story. Grammar problems and spelling aside; if you are going to write a story about one of Tallahassee's most creepiest locations, you should at least attempt to give it justice. This author instead wrote a story very similar to the movie script of The Forgotten and added a bit of Tallahassee folklore to top it off. Instead of creeping the reader out, he instead gives us something to laugh about when envisioning the story in its actual setting. (Or, at least, those who have been there can smile at the description).

Now, I don't intend to rip the author to shreds...his story has smooth transitions and definitely has a great beginning and great storyline. He or she just needs to tweak the story around the edges. Perhaps work on a spookier storyline; one that does not end with its just a dream, you're fine! He or she could write a plot that doesn't come right off of a movie script. They could add a little bit more description and maybe work on the characters. One of the biggest problems I've seen with short stories is that there simply isn't enough space to add as much detail as a writer may want to add...but in this story's case I think it is a necessity. We need characters that we can relate to in a setting that is believable...and this story leaves us not wanting more...but wanting something.

If I were to conference with this author, I would ask him or her how they came up with the storyline. I would ask for more description of Sunny Land and attempt to get them to see with their words instead of their eyes. I would, of course, tell them to proof read before they turn in a story...but if we are encouraging young writers then often it is not important to point out grammatical errors. The story is rough, but definitely could be improved! It is a great attempt!! :-)