This is probably what I would write as a response directly to the student:
The language and details are so vivd and really get the reader involved in the story. The setting is really well-defined and helps the reader become involved as well. I love the plot and the descriptive verbs used to move it along.
I would have like to be told what it was that was sucking the characters and objects in the ceiling and be given a bit more detail regarding Jeremy's fright as a result of this. I like the element of mystery, but it's a bit frustrating that the mystery remains even after finishing the story.
There are many, many editing mistakes that need to be addressed as well. Many of the mistakes indicate that the paper was probably never proofread, or at least, not very closely proofread.
I do LOVE the ending, though-how the plot twists and then twists again right in the last couple of sentences-Brilliant!
But to you guys, I would say this:
On the grammatical side of things (though I know I shouldn't start off with this aspect of writing), it's awful. The paper clearly was not proofread or else the author has very little concept of the English language. While he/she uses vivid vocabulary, it becomes ineffectual when the reader has to stop to clarify the meaning due to bad sentence structure/mispunctuation. Someone should let this guy/girl know about spell check.
There was also an instance when the author switched from third person to first person, and then switched back (???).
However, I personally adore the story line because I recognize just how hard it is to come up with an interesting, compelling plot that includes a climax and a resolution. I took a fiction comp. class and struggled my way through it because I lacked ideas. Fiction writing is intensely personal and reflective of imagination, which can often become embarassing when shared with others, so I really appreciated this author's work. Also, the author does an excellent job of "showing, not telling" as he/she moves the plot along. For example, rather than saying a drab, "It was dark" on the first page, he/she says, "every street light shut off and the moon and stars disappeared." His/her language adds color and spirit to the writing.
All in all, I think that this story is very good; however, it appears very much like a first draft because of editing ignorance. It's got a ways to go, but not too long a ways because the ideas are there.
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3 comments:
I agree with the author the story was rid of errors, though I don't think that hindered my reading experience. The story itself however did. The part that really annoyed me with the story was the way it ended. This was probably a first draft though, and as far as that goes it was pretty good. I can see this paper going very far with enough proof reading and helping with the ideas.
I completely agree with your description that the story and other elements were "frustrating" because as an avid reader, I, too, enjoy uncovering mysterious details in a story. However, with Jeremy's story he left a lot of things unanswered. This could be due to the student not reading very much fiction and therefore not being exposed to the many elements of plot development and resolution.
Also, I did start out with the "grammatial side of things" in my post because the errors detract from Jeremy's awesome story. Because of the confusion in structure and word choice, following the story is difficult and not as enjoyable as it should be. Jeremy had, as you stated, a "a compelling plot that includes a climaz and a resolution," and that should be encouraged and stressed throughout the process of drafting.
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