Goth Story

As I was reading this short story, I could not help but feel that a middle school student wrote the material. The essay was creative like a high school student’s writing, but a bit juvenile like a middle schooler. I suppose it is difficult to explain. I guess I see this as more or less a first draft. The student could have taken the story much farther.

Some questions I could think to ask “Jeremy” would be where exactly did the story take place? Add some more setting information… was it a frosty night… etc
Also, have other people gone to that hospital before? Did a friend go and never come back, etc.
Or did someone grab Lisa and take her away or did she just float to the sky?

This would be a great essay to read around Halloween. It would get students in the mindset of writing a “creepy tale.” Change the genre or topic a bit from the norm, sparks the attention of students. They will be more interested in the assignment instead of just completing it for a grade.

Going through the essay I found very little grammatical and spelling errors. This is generally something I look for right off the bat, whether I comment on them or not. As far as content, Jeremy laid out the story well. I feel that more detail will really add to it though. Just adding a few extra descriptive words would make it even spookier. Stepping out of the typical narrative like this really showed courage. A large amount of young writers are afraid to write this way. They worry they will sound silly.

If I was meeting with Jeremy about the paper I would tell him right off the bat he did a great job. The story kept me interested. I did not once put the text down and pause. The use of dreams made it more exciting and unique. I would then talk to him about the few picky things, such as writing zero instead of 0. Maybe he would keep that though… it is his creative short story—not mine. I would not critique his essay a whole lot because it is just as I previously stated HIS NOT MINE! The most I would do is encourage more details. I would accomplish this task by asking questions. Why? When? Who? Etc.

This short story has the potential to be great! It just needs a little more attention and maybe another draft or two. Jeremy is most certainly on the right track.