Keeping in mind all the literature we've read on being sensitive to destroying a student's paper so that they won't develop a fear of writing, I think that Jeremy's short story was a good start on the road to an excellent piece of writing. It's easy to forget that our writing skills have grown a lot since high school, but we too made senseless errors that we could easily catch now.
Jeremy has many strengths in his paper. He uses writing techniques like suspense and foreshadowing throughout the story to create the gothic feel of a story. He also gives nice imagery details such as "her lips were white and her past bright rosy skin had [fallen] pale". Jeremy also makes you feel like you are in the story with his "SWOOPS" and other description. It may be cliche, but I really enjoyed the twist at the end of the whole situation being a dream.
However, with all the good things said, Jeremy obviously had some weaknesses in his paper. I believe the main issues lie in grammatical errors, particularly those in spelling, use of quotations, use of first and third person, contractions, and verb tense. In a more general sense, I would encourage Jeremy to develop some of the situations that he introduces in the story. With ghost stories, there is a delicate balance between mystery and confusion--Jeremy just needs to make sure that his readers don't become frustrated with his writing.
Overall, I think that Jeremy did a good job with his story. With more drafts, his work is sure to improve and the strong points will become even stronger while the weak places are swept away...just like the characters in Jeremy's story!
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I would have to agree with this person on the grammar errors. They were quite abundant. Although I would have to disagree about not being able to read it because of that. The story, i found, was still readable. Although, fewer errors would have been appreciated. I would have to disagree about the story being very vivid. It was not really brought to life, and its not that he didn't use enough details, because he did, its just it didn't really make me feel like i was their. All and all the story was okay, nothing i would read again, and probably would have not even finish reading had it not been an assignment for class. The story did switch back and forth between third person and first person, but i found this to be done in an interesting way, though i could've done without it.
this is by: KEVIN GONZALEZ
i notice this site is not using my name. I really don't know how to work this site, its very confusing. I'm not too good with computers.
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