My first reaction to this paper was one of humor. When I was in middle school and I was writing a story and my characters got stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would make the entire thing a dream rather than race the mess I had created. I used to take the easy way out, and I think that many student writers, whether they like to write or not, also do this. This student took the easy way out with his paper, and now that I re-read it, I find it not be so much funny as it is sad. This is a missed opportunity for this student to express himself. In our next draft I would encourage this student to dig deep into the story and try to pull out a story line that can be developed rather than destroy it.
Perhaps this is because I visited Sunland Mental Hospital (referred to as Sunny Land in the story) before it was knocked down, but I was very disappointed by the development of the scenery. This is probably the creepiest place I have ever been, so it makes the perfect setting for this students Gothic short story, if only they would actually describe the scenery with more detail. This is another direction that I would point the student in while they are working on their next draft. There is so much potential in this story simply because of the setting, it's sad to see it wasted. (If the student is unfamiliar with this setting, I would pull some pictures to show them, or if the entire class was writing a story with the same creepy setting, I would create a mini-lesson with pictures and film and historical information to set the tone for the story.)
The grammar and the flow of the story really needs some work, but I think that if the student reads the story out loud to themselves, they will be able to work some of that stuff out. The grammar needs work, but it's a great piece the teacher could use for a class-wide grammar practice (we talk about giving the students a context for learning grammar and this would be the perfect opportunity).
I started out thinking that it was going to take a lot of work to get this story in shape, but now that I list everything and start to think abiut how the student would go about that process, I realize that it has great potential (just like it's author). I would really like to do an assignment like this when I have my own classroom - it would be interesting to see how it develops and I wish it were possible to see any possible revisions of this text.
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3 comments:
I agree that Jeremy took the easy way out with this one (and I am allowed to say that because I used to do the same ending in stories). Jeremy has so much potential-- all he needs is a little direction.
Great idea to show pictures or videos. Not only would it get everyone excited, it would also help students describe the setting.
This would really be a fun writing project! I plan to do something like this in my class too :)
On the video/pictures thing--
Great idea. I would suggest black & white photographs to make it seem even more dated.
On the easy-way-out--
I'm conflicted on this one. When I first read it, I felt like it was a first draft. The ending was, I thought, kind of "Goosebump-ish." However, if he hasn't been writing stories for long, it's hard to expect M Night Shyamalan-style twists at the end...
Either way, I give him kudos for trying.
This post is true. "Jeremy's" story wasn't that great, but it's not anything that can't be fixed. Jenna, having visited Sunland, does have a bit of an advantage when reading this story. She knows how much better the description of the setting could be.
Using pictures and videos would be a cool thing to do, but is it practical for this assignment? If it's more than just a scary story and more time is being dedicated to it, then yea, pics and videos would be great. Yet, that may take away from the writing itself.
But, Jenna, I do give you credit for trying to think outside the box! That mentality always makes for a more fun and productive classroom!
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