So I may be a little bit of a chicken, but this one gave me goosebumps! Jeremy has really impressed me with his creativity. The story is interesting and filled with vivid details. I like that he took one of Tallahassee's urban legends and made it his own. The real world inspired him to imagine, and he ran with it.
Aside from the grammatical errors, a few sentences really stuck out to me: "Lisa begun to cry until her brother pulled her pigtail and pleaded for silence." "The winds were starting to talk to them telling them to go in." "Jeremy took off his warm jacket to give to this little sister because her lips were white and her past bright rosy skin had fell pale." I like these sentences because of the "showing" words that engage the reader with the story. With that said, I think that if Jeremy "blows up" areas of his story, adding more description, it will be easier to follow and even more interesting.
I might also advise Jeremy to come up with an alternative ending. In one of my classes this week, my teacher said that adolescents often end stories with the phrase, "and then I woke up." It is clear that Jeremy has a great imagination. I would like him to brainstorm some unpredictable endings that he could perhaps incorporate into the story.
With a little revising, Jeremy's paper will be the next spooky story told around the campfire. Overall, kudos to Jeremy for great creativity.
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Laralee, I appreciated your response to the story because you gave me concrete ways that I can help students become better writers: showing instead of telling, "blowing up" scenes with imagery and detail and the best, (I think) being inspired by real life. I agree with you that Jeremy could brainstorm to create an alternative ending, but how would you respond to a him if he said he only needed four pages for the assignment? I hope he would be inspired to write more, and I bet he would because he seems to have talent.
Thanks again!
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