As far as writing instructions go there were a lot of errors, but I'm sure this was a first draft. So delving deeper into the paper i would say the story was pretty bland. I love reading and writing fiction, but this story just didn't capture my imagination the way I thought it would. The story starts off in a simple and uninteresting manner, which is good for this type of story. From there it goes nowhere, there is really no point in the story where I found myself wanting to read on; had this been a real book and not a class assignment I would've not gone past the first chapter. It was all to predictable. I admire his attempt but the story felt very rushed. The characters weren't developed besides the fact that they were brother and sister. There were two things that really annoyed me, 1. he didn't explain what was snatching each character away and 2. it was all a dream. That to me is a scapegoat. Do not make a story a dream, it makes the reader lose any real attachment they had to the character; its almost as if your lying to the reader and it becomes a big let down in the end.
As far as writing structure goes there was a lot of errors. I would not say that hindered my reading at all though. Mistakes are expected, especially when dealing with high school students. For a person to say he could not read the story because of a period, well that just beyond me. The story itself was pretty bland and I think in most cases that a bigger problem than missing a few periods and commas. Don't get me wrong there both big deals, but if the reader finds the story uninteresting they'll drop the book before they can even notice the mistakes.
If was to talk to this student I would tell him to be mindful of his grammar and spelling. Though there were few spelling errors, and he does know how to use punctuation, its just obvious that he did not proof read before turning it in. Also, it could be that the teacher could have made mistakes along the way on how and what he/she taught her students. Mistakes can't all be blamed on him, now can they. The bland story on the other hand was all him.
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I completely agree with you when you say that as a reader, you had no drive to read on. I felt the same way, and normally I'll read anything. Also, I agreed with the lack of charcterization. He also fails to develop the scenery. All of this left me feeling lost as a reader.
I also thought that by making the entire strange and hard to imagine situation a dream, the author took a major short cut. I think that this could be something that the teacher should cover in class, because I remember in middle school that when I would get stumped as to how to end a story, I would do what this author did: make it all a dream. The teacher needs to encourage the student to be creative and original.
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