Overall, for a first draft, I thought this short story was great. Of course I could mark the hell out of it with a ‘red teacher pen’, but the basic ideas and details included in the story are a start in the right direction. The student’s gothic short story is full of some great things, but has its fair share of errors. The grammatical and mechanical mistakes in the essay are rampant, but I don't think they should overshadow the student's vision presented in the story. Instead of asking myself, "Is this a good paper?", I questioned, "Does this have the heart, and potential to become a good paper?" What is done well? The student tells his story, from beginning to end, without getting off topic. He also uses much character dialogue in his essay, and does this correctly. I also enjoyed the imaginative detail and descriptive adjectives used by the author. I saw in my FSUS writing conference that my student would write a simple sentence, and have trouble expanding or explaining what he was talking about. In this essay the student really puts himself into the story, and tells the story from his own eyes. There was also one sentence in the story that really popped out at me as being exceptional: “Confused and alone Jeremey laid on the dirty floor to get his thoughts together still naïve to the fact that his sister and friend had just disappeared.” With a few commas, this sentence would be superb.
What can be done better? First off, the student must consider point-of-view in his story. By justifying, then adjusting the narrative voice of the story, the reader will be less confused regarding the perspective from which this story is told. In some places he refers to himself in first-person, and in others, third-person. We all know that consistency is vital in any composition. I think the suspense and narration of the story would benefit from the entire story being told in first person. The writer could take the reader on a present-tense, first-hand ride through haunted house, instead of simply describing things that have already happened. After fixing the author’s voice in the story, he must dedicate time to editing grammar and sentence mechanics. I would make sure to wait until the very end of the writing process to help the student develop proper grammar and use of mechanics though. If I handed back this paper all marked up the first time, I am sure the student would be discouraged from any further drafting. So after fixing the point-of-view, I would have the student isolate each sentence to check for corrections. An effective strategy that my junior AP English teacher shared with me is to read your essay backwards, so each sentence can be looked at individually.
3 comments:
So I am replying to your comment because your cartoon made me laugh. If I remember, which is unlikely, I am going to ask you how you did that in class tomorrow. I have to do a blog for another class and I would like to put pictures on it. BUT I also agreed with much of what you said in your post. If Jeremy were to make this essay an entirely first person narrative paper, I think both the author and reader would benefit tremendously. It would surely be easier for Jeremy to compose it as such, for he could simply write it as he sees it, so to speak. Plus, it would definitely add to the reader's sense of involvement with the events and help to build an added uneasiness throughout the story. Also, I totally agree with the fact that highlighting all of the grammatical errors in this piece would be overwhelming and disheartening for the student. Better save those for later. However, my favorite thing that I read in your post was what your former teacher said about reading your paper backwards so that you can focus on the sentence and not the plot. That is a great tip! I have never thought of that, but I will surely use it starting now. Thanks! :o)
I remember you commenting on that sentence in class. And the thing that I really liked about this paper is that there were more sentences that I stopped and marveled at. I went back over the paper, after using the "red teacher pen" as you called it, and marked the strong sentences with a highlighter. I was surprised to see just how much of the paper had really great writing. I think that we both agree that this paper has potential to be great. Another thing is the point-of-view of the paper. If the author would pick one point-of-view and stuck with it, it would make the paper so much more "solid". Because, like you said, it is essential in any good writing. It gets confusing jumping between first and third-person! But like I stated in my post, those are simply cosmetic things that can be fixed. This paper has creativity, which is also crucial in a good narrative.
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