Little did I know...

I have to say, this story had my attention right from the last sentence in the first paragraph: "Little did they know that they were about walk into some strange things." Maybe it's just the little boy in me -- the one who stayed up until 2am to tape TNT's MonsterVision every Friday night -- but when the story was over I read it again with huge grin on my face, just to revel in it. I want to make it clear that I am not mocking this story. I genuinely loved the hell out of it.

Where the story falls flat in overall execution, the abundance of creative details and descriptions makes up for it. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is a second draft, because all of the ideas are present and organized in a way that the story flows naturally from one paragraph to the next, but there is an abundance of awkward phrasing and poor grammar (the literary equivalent of bad dialogue, a common characteristic of those craptastic horror movies I'm so fond of).

It appears that the author has definitely employed the use of new vocabulary and writing techniques to communicate the dramatic impact of his story. His use of "SWOOP" on page 2 effectively communicates the abruptness David's spooky flight, and his frequent inclusion of phrases like "Lisa began to freak out with her own frustration" (2), and "I was now feeling light headed and the words the old lady told me kept swimming in my head"(3) are indicators that while he may not have a perfect grasp of the language, he is experimenting with different ways of phrasing so that he would eventually develop the skills necessary to transform this draft into well-written piece of gothic horror.

While discussing this paper with the student, I would definitely congratulate him on his creative descriptions, as well as the obvious risks he's taken in writing this story. I agree wth Dana in regards to her comment about the "harsh temp. below 0" part, and push him to show me that it is cold outside, and not just say it. Are the characters shivering? Can they see their own breath? Are their ears and noses red from frostbite? Little details that he could add in order to make his story read more realistically.

Another major subject for revision would be his use of grammar. As I said before, he takes a lot of risks in trying to convey his vision, but he usually does so at the expense of grammar. I'd have him go through and read the entire essay aloud and mark any awkward sentences. I'd also bring up how redundant his first three sentences are, and have him work to combine them into one complete thought in regards to the early sunset. The last two pages also seem rushed to meet the deadline, with missing commas and quotation marks, so in reading aloud, he will hopefully be able to spot some errors on his own.

Overall, this was a great skeleton for a story. Though it was hokey at times, this story served as a reminder of everything I love about bad horror flicks, and I hope he eventually goes on to perfect the formula and write screenplays for movies that make me happy. All of the ideas are here, he just needs a little guidance.